Patrick Cannon’s arrest and resignation as Charlotte mayor, as expected, brought the limerick writers out in force for our contest this week. Alas, the topic is inherently more sad than funny and most attempts were just too serious for this space.
This week’s winner, in fact, didn’t write a single one about Cannon. Wes Long of Cramerton took on other topics, including New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. Christie’s attorneys may have found him not guilty, Long says, but their thorough investigation did turn up one thing:
Christie’s closet was carefully scoured
By the lawyers the gov’nor empowered,
Digital Access for only $0.99
For the most comprehensive local coverage, subscribe today.
And they said they all swear
That the skeletons there
Were just animals Chris had devoured.
Long thinks Hobby Lobby might be reconsidering its case on contraceptives after making arguments before the Supreme Court:
Hobby Lobby’s not sure what to do,
They’re afraid they can’t see this thing through.
’Cause this Supreme quarrel
Turned out to be oral,
And that goes against their beliefs too.
Finally, Long weighed in on the backward country of North Korea monitoring South Korea with drones.
North Korea put something in flight,
To keep South Korea in sight.
And of this there’s no doubt.
How’d they figure it out?
They just followed the string on the kite.
Sergio Ciccone of Matthews leads off the honorable mentions with his Cannon take:
Pat Cannon’s crimes were wholehearted,
But the Feds were not outsmarted.
Roared Rob Ford, pronto,
“Here in Toronto,
We call it, just getting started. ”
Bill McGloughlin of Charlotte is confident can-do Charlotte will find a way to spin the Cannon news:
Charlotte’s usually thought of as “nice.”
Now we’re known for executive vice.
But don’t think that we can’t
Find a booster-ish slant:
We’re a bargain at two times the price!
John Long of Stanley saw the story about a UNC Chapel Hill student arrested after being found naked in a dorm hallway. Long thinks the student has an explanation.
We don’t need you to scold or correct us,
In your ignorance, you disrespect us.
We were studying nude,
’Cause the subject was homo erectus .
Lou Breaux of Charlotte likes that President Obama and Pope Francis talked with each other about helping the poor. But he sees more rhetoric than money to fix the problem.
Both Barack and Pope Francis did say,
Let’s break bread and feed poor folks today.
Sell some art from the Vatican?
Let’s not start up with that again!
Oh look! Time for Mass! Let us pray!!
Keep the entries coming to email@example.com; next week is the last.
Other strong entries that didn’t make it into the print version:
Wes Long of Cramerton:
Hobby Lobby's Supreme litigation
May cause an extreme reformation.
If the Green family wins,
Does that mean life begins
At the moment of incorporation?
Bob Aldrich of Lake Waccamaw:
There is shock as the Charlotte mayor falls
It’s his sheer arrogance that just galls.
The mayor role that he saw
Put him above the law –
Redefining the word "cannonballs"
Mayor Cannon took bribes on the sly.
Influence was his money supply.
We can offer false praise
With that time honored phrase
"He’s the best mayor that money can buy."
John Long of Stanley:
At our airport, this ash would be placed,
But this deal has a strange, fishy taste.
Duke says "Take it, its’ FREE,
While you’re at it, let’s see,
Could you use some nice NUCLEAR waste?"
When the Pope met Obama, they knew,
That they often don’t have the same view.
But they soon were aware,
Of one problem they share:
Mercer busted the Pope’s brackets too!
Another on the UNC student:
The cop set his weapon to stun,
And aimed at the naked man’s bun,
As he fired, the perp turned,
And his privates got burned.
The doctor’s assessment: "Well done."
His take on Sister Jane Dominic Laurel’s remarks to Charlotte Catholic students:
With sex, I’m just like a rabbit,
If I get a chance, I will grab it.
Sister Laurel says "Gee,
Just avoid it, like me,"
I could help her get out of that habit.
Charleen Bolt of Charlotte:
Council struggles to name the next mayor.
I know one move they surely won't dare.
He'd look good in a suit.
Can say "Whooo" to boot.
Need to annoint our Charlotte's Rick Flair.
Bill McGloughlin of Charlotte:
The statistics said it should be here,
But the satellite photos aren’t clear.
Way out there in the sea,
Do you think it could be,
The remains of Pat Cannon’s career?
Politicians, corruption, and crime?
You’d think I’d just be having a time,
But my poor little brain
Is a bundle of pain,
Because Cannon’s a she-dog to rhyme.
From his highest elected plateau,
Cannon dealt in some quid, pro, and quo.
Now persona non grata,
He feels like a piñata,
So he’ll just pack his suitcase and go.
Now a judge said some college players may
Form a union and bargain for pay.
If the football comes loose,
Will they grab and vamoose,
Or wait ‘til the shop steward says OK?
Ross C. Levin of Charlotte:
Mayor Pat used his office with muscle,
cash for perks he was able to rustle,
but got caught with hands red,
turns out friends were the Feds,
Charlotte's better than American Hustle!!
We were shocked how low Cannon would stoop,
as Mayor he made Charlotte the dupe.
But it's not quite as harsh,
as the media farce,
repeating Rad Berky's hilarious "scoop."
Tons of cash was the Mayor's to lose,
brought down in an elaborate ruse.
We thought he was dense,
but now it makes sense,
Elevation needed pay for their dues.
The Mayor took cash with a flare,
till the Feds caught Pat in their snare.
As part of his "fee"
he begged for a key.
Was greed the only sordid affair?
Gene Robbins of Charlotte:
With Steve gone will the Subs have the mettle
To grab the ball and then downfield peddle?
Or when they drop the ball,
Can Cam shout and call:
"You have just committed a 'Gettle'!"
Phil Clutts of Harrisburg on “Methane emissions cuts eyed”:
As the methane gas problem peaks,
There are answers the BLM seeks,
But since gas from our cattle,
Is part of the battle,
They won’t stifle all sources of leaks.
While groups with great joy in their hearts,
Sniffed out fixes, thanks to their smarts,
However they opt,
They simply can’t stop,
A bovine’s most natural parts.
From Sheila Peltzer of Charlotte:
Patrick Cannon, I haven't a doubt
About your connections and clout;
For a bright orange tie,
Could you get my old guy
To get up and take the trash out?
Tammy Dyckman, Cornelius:
Like Lone Ranger and trusted pal Tonto,
The Feds hauled Pat off to jail, pronto!
While embarrassed are we,
We’re so thankful that he
Didn’t mimic the mayor of Toronto!