Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia’s invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn’t spend much time online. When he says ‘LOL,’ he means ‘Look out, Latvia.’ “


“That’s right, Putin doesn’t have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won’t stop bragging about it.”


“President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world’s biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, ‘All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.’ ”


“The movie ‘Noah’ follows the story of a family trying to survive God’s wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that’s more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.”

“ ‘Noah’ tells the story of a man who takes on a massive project that no one believes in. Or as Obama put it, ‘Been there.’ ”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“During her (China) trip, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the first lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left.”


“In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile.”


“Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. So get ready next week for a very special ‘Judge Judy.’ ”


SETH MEYERS

“Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online.”


“Americans have been given another month to sign up for Obamacare as long as they check a box on the website saying they tried to sign up before the original deadline. It’s expected to be answered as truthfully as boxes that say ‘Yes, I am 18.’ ”


“The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, ‘Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.’”

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