Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-buzzkill.”


“ ‘Captain America’ is currently the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain America asks Captain China for a $17 trillion loan.”


“North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un.”


SETH MEYERS

“Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more shocking if she admitted to ever thinking about anything else.”


“France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m. They’re hoping to encourage workers to spend more time with their mistresses.”


“A super-PAC urging Hillary Clinton to run for president says it raised $1.7 million in the first three months of the year. Said President Obama, ‘I’ll kick in another million if she’s willing to start early.’ ”


“The federal judge presiding over a court case between Apple and Samsung has threatened to confiscate all phones following frequent disruptions — while lawyers from Blackberry just now got the email with the court date.”


JIMMY FALLON

“A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, ‘Normally, WE do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.’ ”


“After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced that she was resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.”


“The White House just released President Obama’s tax returns, which show that he and Michelle paid 98 thousand dollars in taxes last year. When he saw that, even Obama said, ‘Thanks, Obama.’ ”


“Next week Google will give the public the chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass, finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.”

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