Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

SETH MEYERS

“Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055.”


“The Christian Science Monitor is claiming ‘Hillary Clinton will be a tad less interested in running for president now that she’s about to be a grandmother.’ And if you put a grain of sand in your pocket there’s a tad less sand on the beach.”


“Last weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“A new report claims that posing with a dog in your online dating profile makes you more desirable — and posing with a cat means you’re going to die alone.”


“Potential Republican candidate Jeb Bush is married to an immigrant from Mexico. Yeah, so they’re taking our jobs and our Jebs.”


“Some experts are claiming that watching porn is bad for your sex life. Those experts are called wives.”


“Domino’s debuted a new pizza where instead of dough, they’re using fried chicken. It’s called ‘Domino’s deep dish you’re all going to die.’ ”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“Earth Day was founded in 1970. It’s the one day of the year we tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it.”


“After what we have done to it, it is almost disrespectful to have an Earth Day. It’s like lice declaring a Head Day.”


JIMMY FALLON

“In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used products for free. That’s right, they’re recycling Apple products. And then Samsung said, ‘Beat you to it.’ ”


“Joe Biden said the U.S. will help Ukraine with financial aid as long as the leaders tackle corruption. Because if anything stops corruption, it’s bribing someone to stop corruption.”


“Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it’s a girl, it’ll get some of Chelsea’s old hand-me-downs; and if it’s a boy, it’ll get some of Hillary’s.”

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