Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

DAVID LETTERMAN

“The Republicans in Congress voted no on the minimum wage. I think they’re confused. We’re supposed to apply the economic sanctions to the Russians.”


“In the middle of his second term, President Obama’s approval rating once again has dropped. Obama’s approval rating is so low that today Hillary Clinton said, ‘I’ll take it from here.’ ”


“President Obama is out of the country. Vice President Joe Biden is out of the country. And you know what happens then. They turn over nuclear launch codes to Oprah.”


“Earlier today Donald Sterling was rushed to the Paula Deen Rehab Center in Georgia.”


JIMMY FALLON

“L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded on tape making racist comments. He now has been banned from the league for life. Great, just where Sterling wanted to end up – the blacklist.”

“On the bright side, at least Sterling still has a wife and girlfriend to lean on.”


“Some people are actually defending Sterling, saying he has a very good record of hiring minorities. For instance, he always has at least one white guy on the team.”


“NBA players had threatened to boycott if Donald Sterling wasn’t banned for life. In fact, the Lakers are so upset they decided not to play for the rest of the season.”


“George Clooney is engaged. You can tell he’s excited to get married because he’s been throwing himself a bachelor party for the last 20 years.”


“The city of Chicago is building a new high school named after President Obama. I hear their student government isn’t that good, but the golf team is amazing.”


SETH MEYERS

“Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School, which will open in 2017. The Obama school is expected to be very popular ... at first.”


“Facebook has acquired a new mobile app that would allow users to track their exercise and measure how many calories they’ve burned. So if you love Facebook, and you love exercise, you’re lying about one of those.”

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