Laugh Attacks


“Donald Sterling’s girlfriend said she’s ‘going to be president of the United States’ one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.”

“Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s wife, Rochelle, is being accused of making racist remarks during an incident back in 2009. Sterling should break up with his girlfriend and go out with his wife. They’re perfect for each other.”

“Last weekend was the White House Correspondents Dinner. President Obama made fun of his low poll numbers, the botched Obamacare roll out, and Governor Chris Christie — while I was on the phone with Putin, negotiating a cease-fire in Ukraine.”

“A new study found that a growing number of dog owners are giving their pets anti-anxiety medication as a way to calm them down and reduce unwanted stress in their lives. Then dogs said, ‘Or, you could just sell the vacuum cleaner.’ ”


“The political scene in Washington is one of few places I’ve seen that’s more grasping and desperate than show business. Hollywood and politics are very different, of course. One puts out big-budget crap filled with explosions. And the other one is Hollywood.”

“The Daytime Emmy Awards were announced — a record 24 nominations for the soap opera ‘The Young and the Restless.’ Or was it their evil twin? They probably don’t know because their evil twin has amnesia.”


“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has decided to take a leave of absence to seek help. Specifically what he’s seeking help with is getting more crack.”

“Michelle Obama’s brother has been fired as the basketball coach at Oregon State. Like most Americans who lost their job, he blames Obama.”

“The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit.”


“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced he’s taking a leave of absence to deal with issues related to substance abuse. A video was reportedly shot by his drug dealer. The guy is constantly being taped but never seems to notice the cameras. Is that a side effect of crack?”

“ ‘The Amazing Spiderman 2’ opened last week. They say it’s the best since the last ‘Amazing Spiderman 2.’ ”