Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

CONAN O’BRIEN

“In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said her guilty pleasure is eating chocolate. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton said his guilty pleasure is being Bill Clinton.”


“The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.”


“Dr. Dre may become the world’s first hip-hop billionaire. So maybe my mom was right. I should have become a doctor.”


“In Colorado a man was accidentally released from prison 90 years too soon. In a related story, everyone in Colorado is high.”


JIMMY FALLON

“Thursday was the deadline for Iran to meet a series of measures to delay its nuclear program. Then Iran said, “Do you mean ‘DEADLINE deadline’ or ‘Sign up for Obamacare deadline?’ ”

“A new report shows that President Obama has visited 45 states during his time in office. When he heard that, Biden said, ‘Wow, he’s been to ALL of ‘em?’ ”


SETH MEYERS

“New research suggests that people who are more ambitious will live longer. While people who are less ambitious will live longer with their parents.”


“A new study claims that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. They’re called English majors.”

“For the second time in three days, the White House has gone into lockdown after someone threw an object over the fence. Finally today, President Obama took away Joe Biden’s Frisbee.”


“During his visit to the White House, the President of Uruguay lectured President Obama about the dangers of smoking. Then, when Obama said ‘Oh, I quit,’ Hillary Clinton ran past him into the Oval Office.”

“Target and Doritos have paired up to market the Walking Taco, which is where you pour ground beef and cheese into a bag of crushed Doritos before eating it out of the bag. The Walking Taco was created when a man was taking out the garbage and thought, ‘Hey, I could eat this.’ ”


DAVID LETTERMAN

“They are reopening the Washington monument. The thing has been shut down for the last two years – like the Obama administration.”

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