Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“They say this season of ‘The Bachelorette’ will have fewer hot tub scenes than previous seasons. Which explains the show’s new name: ‘What’s the Point?’ ”


“The FCC rolled out a new service that lets people text 911 for help. That’ll mean if you’re driving and you see an accident, you can cause another accident.”


“Chris Christie said he thinks it would be fun to run against Jeb Bush for the Republican presidential nomination. While Jeb Bush said it would be fun just to watch Chris Christie run.”


“Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, ‘We’ve been expecting you.’ ”


“A federal judge ruled that Idaho’s ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, so now it’s legal for gay couples to get married. Idaho’s gay people all cheered – from their homes in San Francisco and New York.”

SETH MEYERS

“According to a new survey, 55 percent of Americans think that they are smarter than the average American. Said the average American, ‘55 percent? That’s almost half.’ ”


“One day after recalling 2.4 million vehicles, GM has announced it’s recalling another 218,000 Chevy Aveos. Apparently, their defect is that they’re Chevy Aveos.”


“Independent film director Lars von Trier is writing a horror movie set in Detroit. But then again, so is history.”


“A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, ‘taking a selfie.’ ”


“Merriam-Webster announced 150 new words being added to the dictionary, including selfie, dubstep, hashtag, and spoiler alert. Also, they’re considering removing the word ‘dictionary.’ ”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“A girl has invited Joe Biden to be her prom date. But her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can’t really describe what he does for a living.”


“The U.S. is accusing China’s military of spying. The Chinese officials said it’s payback for all the times your students cheated off the Asian kid.”


“A woman in Iowa claims she found marijuana in her McDonald’s burger. Which explains why right after eating it, she went over to Taco Bell.”

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