Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY KIMMEL

“Google is continuing its mission to make sure we’re never NOT looking at ads. Google says it hopes to put ads on refrigerators, dashboards, glasses, watches, and other items. This is what the smartest people in the country are working on. Instead of winning a Nobel Prize, their obituary is going to say, ‘Bill used his 187 IQ to figure out how to put commercials on your windshield.’ ”


“In other invasive technology news, Facebook has a terrifying new feature. It uses the microphone in your smartphone to listen to what music, movies, or TV shows you’re watching or hearing, and then it posts them to your Facebook page. You have to hand it to Facebook. Each time I figure Facebook has become as creepy as possible, somehow they find a way to be even creepier.”


“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s car was involved in a DUI. Somehow a woman named LeAnne McRobb wound up in his car. You know what a McRobb is? It’s half Rob Ford, half McRib.”

“This Rob Ford is something else. His car gets pulled over for DUI even when he’s not in it. It’s over. The machines have won. I mean, for God’s sake, Rob Ford’s Cadillac Escalade is drunk.”


SETH MEYERS

“A group of scientists have started attaching sensors to sharks to help predict hurricane intensity. They’re hoping the information they gather will save enough lives to offset the number of lives lost attaching sensors to sharks.”

“According to a new survey, fewer than 2 percent of hiring managers said they were actively recruiting graduates with liberal arts degrees. Said liberal arts graduates, ‘Latte for Karen.’ ”


JIMMY FALLON

“A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs. And that’s just selling lava lamps at Spencer’s Gifts.”


“The organizing committee for the 2016 Olympics in Rio just announced that 38 percent of the venues are completed. When asked if they’d be done in time for the Summer Games, Rio said, ‘Wait — SUMMER games?’ ”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“The FBI has reversed its policy and will now hire people who have smoked pot in the past three years. When asked why, the FBI said, ‘Because we couldn’t find anyone who hasn’t smoked pot.’”


“Beyoncé gets paid $100,000 to sit in the front row at a fashion show. Meanwhile, her sister, Solange, gets paid that amount by Jay-Z to take the stairs.”

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