Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it’s a huge violation of their privacy — then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes.”


“President Obama said Hillary Clinton would be very effective if she ran for president. And Joe Biden said, ‘Thank you very — wait, what?’ ”

“In a new interview, President Obama revealed that his daughter Malia recently went to her first prom. She wore a corsage on her wrist while her date wore a red laser dot on his head.”


“Pope Francis is now telling married couples to have children, because only having pets could lead to anger or bitterness in old age. As opposed to having kids, which leads to anger AND bitterness in old age.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.”


“Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us.”


“There’s reportedly a film in the works about Edward Snowden. Then today the script was leaked by Edward Snowden.”


“Spain’s king, Juan Carlos, has stepped down from the throne to make way for his son, who is more popular. Which, by the way, would be the worst ‘Game of Thrones’ episode ever.”


SETH MEYERS

“This week it was announced that golfer Phil Mickelson is under investigation by the FBI for insider trading of Clorox stock. By the way, insider trading of Clorox stock by a professional golfer is the whitest collar crime possible.”

“This morning President Obama announced a new 600-page proposal to lower carbon emissions and help stop global warming. Step one: Stop printing 600-page proposals.”


DAVID LETTERMAN

“The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no.”


“President Obama is saying he wishes he could be anonymous. According to the new approval ratings, you’re pretty close.”

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