Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“It’s the start of the World Cup. It's that special time of the year when Americans in bars shrug, ‘Well, I guess we're watching this now.’ ”


“Congrats to the U.S. soccer team for beating Ghana in the opening round of the World Cup. Yeah, they did the impossible – getting Americans to watch soccer.”


In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she’s ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, ‘Oh come on y’all – little ol’ me?’ ”


“Hillary Clinton said she won’t support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn’t respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money.”


“President Obama just had his annual physical, which showed that he’s suffering some pain in his right foot. When asked why he doesn’t get it treated, Obama said bitterly, ‘It’s not covered by Obamacare.’ ”


“Scientists in North Carolina say they are developing a new peanut that is safe for people with peanut allergies. All you have to do is never mix up your safe peanut with your identical-looking deadly peanut.”


“A couple in New York found a python inside a couch while they were cleaning out their new apartment. But on the bright side, at least now they can stop looking for their cat.”


CONAN O’ BRIEN

“President Obama's approval rating in the U.S. is at its lowest point ever, 41 percent. After hearing this, the president said, ‘When did I become less popular in this country than soccer? How did that happen?’ ”


“Protesters at the World Cup got into trouble for burning American flags. It’s a shame because children in China worked very hard to make those flags.”


“Amazon introduced its own smartphone. You can tell it’s from Amazon because after you hang up with someone, Amazon suggests other people you might want to call.”


“The Pentagon announced that the United States has captured a leader responsible for the Benghazi attacks. Republicans were ecstatic and said, ‘So, they finally got Hillary?’ ”

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