Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“President Obama called German Chancellor Angela Merkel yesterday to talk about improving relations with our country after this latest spying scandal. Obama made her a pretty good offer. He said, ‘Look, we’ll stop spying if we can borrow your soccer team.’”


“Speaking of Obama, yesterday Congressman Raul Labrador said that impeaching President Obama isn’t a good idea, because, quote, ‘no one wants President Joe Biden.’ That’s when Biden realized why Obama picked him as a running mate.”

“During yesterday’s World Cup final, a guy ran onto the field with the phrase ‘natural born prankster’ written on his chest – because nothing says good clean fun like spending the night in a Brazilian prison.”


“While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba’s oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba’s always having to revive: Fidel Castro.”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Germany won the World Cup, but they’re still mad at us for spying on them. So they’re considering going back to using typewriters to avoid being spied on. It’s never good news when Germany says they’re going to go back to their old ways.”


“A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region’s really angry about it – unless they’re downwind, then they’re totally cool.”


SETH MEYERS

“Well, it was an amazing weekend in sports. LeBron went back to being a Cavalier, Carmelo went back to being a Knick, and soccer went back to being a thing you drive your kids to.”


“Germany defeated Argentina 1-0 to win the World Cup. German fans went absolutely crazy from 9:00 until 9:15.”


“Brazil’s coach resigned following the country’s 7-1 loss in the World Cup. He says he wants to spend more time focusing on not being murdered.”


DAVID LETTERMAN

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout. He’s out there all day telling people the hotdog line is closed for a traffic study.”


“If you are attending this campaign cookout in Iowa, please, this is sort of like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Do not get between the governor and the potato salad.”

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