Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“President Obama said that his strategy for foreign policy is to be patient and determined. Which is also his strategy when it comes to Biden’s bedtime.”


“President Obama was giving an interview recently, and get this, he said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, he was like, ‘Because he’d make me look AMAZING.’ ”


“I saw that Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants.”


“Chris Christie warned against presidential candidates running too soon. Then earthquake experts warned Chris Christie against running at all. Cities just aren’t equipped to deal with it.”


“Edward Snowden is back with yet another spying scandal. In a new interview, Snowden revealed that NSA employees regularly pass around nude pictures of people they spy on. It got even weirder when German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, ‘So, what do you think?’ ”


SETH MEYERS

“In a recent interview, President Obama said Joe Biden ‘would be a superb president.’ In a related story, Hillary Clinton punched a hole in a door.”


“A judge ruled in favor of Obamacare, saying that getting health care from the state or federal government is the same as ordering from Pizza Hut vs. Domino’s. I’m not sure. THEIR websites always worked.”


“Secretary of State John Kerry traveled to Egypt and had to pass through a metal detector before he could meet with officials. Which is ridiculous. Everyone knows he’s made of wood.”


“Even though both Israel and Hamas fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the U.N. secretary general said both sides ‘mostly respected’ the cease-fire. That’s like leaving the house without pants and saying you’re ‘mostly dressed.’ ”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“ ‘Star Wars’ fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new ‘Star Wars’ movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han Solo all waking up in Vegas.”


“This drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children.”

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