Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don’t really care about weed, it’s just the only way they can keep selling papers.”


“The Times said the government should legalize marijuana because the current laws against weed are useless and outdated. Then they said, ‘You know, like a newspaper.’ ”


“ ‘Game of Thrones’ announced it’s adding nine new characters for the next season. Aaaaaand they’re already dead.”


“The finale of ‘The Bachelorette’ came down to two guys, Josh and Nick. But ultimately Andi went with Josh. She said after looking into her heart and doing a lot of soul searching that he was the person she wants to spend the rest of her publicity tour with.”


“The TSA is offering a $5,000 reward for the best idea on how to speed up airport security lines. So far the best idea is making a line for people who know what they’re doing and another line for people who have never been to an airport before.”


DAVID LETTERMAN

“There’s a dating site called OK Cupid. It’s for folks who are looking for someone who is just OK. As is turns out, they don’t really match anybody up. They just shuffle the cards. That’s how L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling found a girlfriend with a tape recorder.”


“Congratulations to baseball great Joe Torre, Yankees manager for years and years, inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Torre thanked former girlfriends Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Madonna, and Betty White.”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“The New York Times published its first of a six-part series that calls for federal legalization of marijuana. You remember newspapers, those things we used to read before BuzzFeed asked us which sandwich we were.”

“The Times argued, after weighing the pros and cons, that the scale tips in favor of legalizing marijuana nationwide. You know how long it’s going to take people to finish The New York Times crossword puzzle NOW?


“Comic-Con wrapped up over the weekend in San Diego. If you don’t know, Comic-Con is the world’s largest gathering of people who know the difference between a modem and a router.”


“Time magazine said the number of women attending Comic-Con has doubled in the last five years — from four to eight.”

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