JIMMY FALLON
“Egypt's foreign ministry called on the United States to show respect for the rights of protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. Yeah, Egypt said that. Man, talk about living in glass pyramids.”
“A new study found that it costs $245,000 to raise a child until age 18. Or about $600 if you just give them an iPad.”
“A survey found that 75 percent of Americans don’t use up all their vacation days. While the rest apparently loaned them to President Obama.”
“This week a town in Minnesota elected a dog named Duke as its mayor. Yeah, they elected a mayor that pees on the street, sleeps on the floor, and eats out of the garbage. Then Toronto said, ‘Been there!’ ”
“SeaWorld just announced that it will soon double the size of its killer whale habitats. The whales say it’s almost as good as their previous tank — the ocean.”
“Cinnabon is testing a concept store that will sell smaller cinnamon rolls. Yep, they say it’s perfect for people who love kidding themselves. ‘I’m just gonna grab one or eight of these little guys here.’ ”
CONAN O’BRIEN
“Apple announced it will ban two toxic chemicals that are used in the production of iPhones. In a related story, that iPhone in your pocket right now is made of toxic chemicals.”
“Whole Foods has started selling rabbit meat. They’re killing them humanely. They’re using only rabbits that died of shock after seeing the prices at Whole Foods.”
DAVID LETTERMAN
“President Obama had to cut his vacation short two days to go back to Washington. You know why? Vice President Joe Biden had locked himself out of the White House.”
“David Gregory of ‘Meet the Press’ is being replaced by a guy named Chuck Todd, which indicates to me that in order to host that program you have to have two first names.”
SETH MEYERS
“The Korean Aerospace Institute announced that their one and only astronaut resigned for personal reasons. Now all he has to do is get back to Earth.”
“An Oregon man called Portland police Monday to report that traffic was being held up by a chicken attempting to cross a road. Then on Tuesday, he called back to report a priest and a rabbi walking into a bar.”
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