Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

DAVID LETTERMAN

“Did the Emmy Awards seem like a long show? I felt like Sophia Vergara’s dress. I could hardly stay up.”


“President Obama watched the Emmys and said the U.S. would be out of the Emmys by 2017.”


“Did you hear about the earthquake in California’s Napa Valley? That’s wine country. The Red Cross now says they want some donations of Merlot.”


“The earthquake was so powerful that Lindsey Lohan was driving on the right side of the road.”


“It’s back-to-school time. If you can, send your kids to college so they get a degree and at least then they will know what kind of work they’re out of.”


“What’s great this time of the year is the Little League World Series. Does it seem like the kids are getting older in Little League ball? When I watch the Little League World Series, my favorite part is when they show the players’ wives.”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“A rare copy of Action Comics No. 1, which was the first published appearance of Superman, just sold on eBay for $3.2 million. That’s a lot of disposable income. To buy a comic about Superman, you have to be as rich as Batman. I think that means Superman wins, right?”


“The Emmys are typically on Sunday night. But they moved them to Monday for the first time in 38 years. One reason is the Video Music Awards were scheduled for Sunday night on MTV. For those of you too young to know, music videos are something MTV used to play before it turned into a network for pregnant teenagers.”


JIMMY FALLON

“It seems everyone’s upset with President Obama. Congressman Paul Ryan claimed that Americans are having buyer’s remorse about President Obama. I think they might be right because today I saw Obama just standing next to an ice cream maker and a Bowflex.”


“Disney’s stock just reached a new high this week of $90.37 a share. That’s when you know tickets to Disney World are too expensive – when it’s actually cheaper to own part of the company.”


“Not quite as good news for the pet supply chain PetSmart, which may soon be sold to a larger company. Or as they told their employees, ‘Your jobs are going to a farm upstate.’ ”

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