Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

CRAIG FERGUSON

“The weather is changing in L.A. It is hot here. How hot is it? Just yesterday, the cloud started raining nude celebrities.”


“In case you haven’t heard, there are nude celebrities all over the Internet. I never thought I’d see the day. Someone hacked ‘the cloud.’ The cloud is something I don’t really understand. It’s like whatever language Honey Boo Boo speaks.”


“Do you read People magazine? Neither do I. But they released exclusive pictures of Angelina Jolie’s wedding dress. I don’t know about you, but I find it refreshing that people still get excited about pictures of celebrities wearing clothes.”


“Labor Day’s a big holiday. President Obama spent the day golfing. Then he remembered it was a holiday.”


“In Los Angeles we got our first Dunkin’ Donuts shop. I can think of one reason why Dunkin’ Donuts might not be successful here. It’s the people of Los Angeles. They’ll say, ‘Do you have kale doughnuts? Is it organic? Were these doughnuts raised humanely?’ ”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“It’s rumored that next week the new iPhone is going to come out. It’s going to come with a larger screen, more memory, and it can leak celebrity photos twice as fast.”


“A spokesperson for Jennifer Lawrence, one of the people who had nude photos leaked, is calling her nude leaked photos a violation of privacy. Meanwhile Kim Kardashian is calling her nude leaked photos ‘stuff I was going to release next week.’ ”


“The man who released the nude photos of celebrities is admitting he’s on the run. However, he’s been given asylum by a shadowy group known only as ‘guys.’ ”


“Over the weekend the White House chef married an MSNBC news anchor. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘Person who serves the president marries person who serves the president.’ ”


DAVID LETTERMAN

“Burger King is moving to Canada. They bought the doughnut place, Tim Horton’s. Financed by Warren Buffett, Burger King will be moving to Canada to avoid paying taxes. Hearing about it, president Obama immediately took away Buffett’s Medal of Freedom.”


“How many of you have kids heading off to college? Well, don’t you worry, because that liberal arts degree, that thing is a license to print money.”

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