Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“Last Friday President Obama made a surprise visit to Stonehenge on his way back from the NATO summit in Wales. And even crazier — today he made a surprise visit to the White House.”


“The Department of Transportation is considering building a new high-speed train that could get people from D.C. to Baltimore in 15 minutes. It gets you out of Washington in 15 minutes — or as President Obama calls that, ‘Still not fast enough.’ ”

“AMC is coming out with a spin-off of ‘The Walking Dead’ that will show the apocalypse in other parts of the world. It’s called ‘The News.’ ”


“Apple announced the iPhone 6, which they say has a more durable screen that won’t crack or scratch as easily. Or as your kids put it, ‘Challenge accepted!’ ”


“Everyone goes through the different stages of buying a new iPhone: The first stage is ‘I don’t need a new phone,’ followed by ‘Maybe I’ll just check it out in the store,’ followed by ‘Maybe something will happen to my current phone,’ followed by, ‘Oh no, it “fell” in the toilet.’ ”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Last weekend President Obama visited Stonehenge. Yes, the cold, rigid entity no one can quite figure out said he enjoyed Stonehenge.”


“Reportedly the identity of Jack the Ripper, who killed five people in London, finally has been revealed. After hearing about it, the commissioner of the NFL suspended him for two games.”


“An English-speaking man went into a coma and came out speaking only Mandarin Chinese. It’s a true story. On the bright side, now he can find work.”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“Apple’s most anticipated announcement was what they’re calling the Apple Watch. It comes in two sizes and has a magnetic charger. It’s just like my Pac-Man watch from 1982.”


“The Apple Watch can also track your movements to tell you how much you’ve exercised in a day. And then laugh at you at the end of the day.”


“Starbucks has a new business plan. Starbucks is planning to open about 100 new upscale coffee shops with more expensive coffee. It’s for customers who feel that the regular Starbucks prices are too reasonable, I guess.”

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