Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“During a speech, President Obama announced that the U.S. will lead a huge multinational coalition to fight the terror groups in Iraq. Of course, most people just turned it off because they thought it was a rerun.”


“President Obama outlined his plan to quote ‘degrade and ultimately destroy’ the terror group ISIS. When asked how, he said, ‘I’ll build their website.’ ”


“In a recent interview, Texas Governor Rick Perry revealed that he has spent the last 20 months preparing to run for president. Then Hillary said, ‘Call me when you’ve spent 67 years.’ ”


“Hillary Clinton also gave a speech in Iowa. She fueled speculation that she’ll run for president when she admitted that she’s ‘thinking about it.’ And next week, she’ll be ‘thinking about it’ when she’s in New Hampshire before she spends a few days ‘thinking about it’ in Florida.”

“The number of single people in the U.S. is at its highest level in 38 years. I think the makers of Häagen-Dazs and the makers of Hot Pockets just high-fived each other.”


DAVID LETTERMAN

“Obama is getting tough with ISIS. He’s now going to force them to sell their NBA team.”


“Here is Obama’s 3-part plan. First, we’re going to gather intelligence. Next, we’re going to launch air strikes. And third, his plan is to lose the midterm elections. So he’s got a full plate ahead of him.”


“President Obama announced in his speech the other night that he’s sending 475 military advisers to Iraq. Not only that but he’s also sending 475 military advisers to the NFL.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Apple is now saying that the new Apple Watch needs to be charged every single day. Also charged every single day: someone in the NFL.”

“The National Organization for Women is calling for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to resign. They made their demand in a video that Commissioner Goodell said he will watch in five months.”


“South African sports officials have ruled that Oscar Pistorius is free to run competitively again. Shortly after the announcement, he was signed by the NFL.”


Ben & Jerry’s has introduced what they’re calling a marijuana-friendly ice cream. They’re calling it ‘ice cream.’ ”

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