Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“There were some major security issues at the White House last weekend. On Friday, a guy got to the front doors of the White House, and on Saturday another guy jumped over the White House fence. Officials are wondering why it’s so easy to get in, while Obama is wondering why it’s so hard to get out.”


“Chicago is reversing its plan to name a high school after President Obama after it received multiple complaints from people in the community. I guess parents were afraid their kids would spend eight years at the school and still not get anything done.”


“The White House picnic was actually held one year after it was canceled. Last year the president had too much stuff going on to make time for a picnic, whereas now he just doesn’t care anymore.”


“Hillary Clinton’s supporters are calling on her to be more herself, after some of her recent appearances seemed to be too scripted. Hillary said, ‘I don’t know where you guys get this stuff. Shrug and shake head.’ ”


“Some sad news from the world of reality TV. Mama June and Sugar Bear from ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ are splitting up. Their lawyers are citing unintelligible differences.”


SETH MEYERS

“The militant group ISIS today released a new audio clip mocking American politicians, including John Kerry and John McCain. And Americans are really upset because they released it directly into everybody’s iTunes account.”

“Royal Caribbean cruises will soon be adding robotic bartenders that can shake drinks, cut limes, and precisely measure alcohol. While Carnival Cruises announced they will soon be adding plumbing.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“A recent report says the majority of Americans cannot name the three branches of government – Judicial, Executive, and Legislative. To make it easier, the government is renaming those branches Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney.”

“A man scaled the White House fence and ran across the lawn to the front door. Is it just me or is ‘The Amazing Race’ running out of ideas?”


“The White House has re-evaluated its security and today they announced they’ll start locking the front door. They’re also going to start asking who’s there when someone knocks.”


“The Islamic State is releasing its own ‘Grand Theft Auto’ style of video game. In their version, the worst crime you can commit is letting a woman drive the car.”

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