Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

CRAIG FERGUSON

“A man in a President Obama mask robbed a store recently. Police describe him as ‘armed and incapable of reforming immigration.’ ”


“After the Obama mask robbery, someone in a Hillary Clinton mask promised to clean up the mess he left behind.”


“Pope Francis gave a speech where he said the theory of evolution is real. He also said the Big Bang theory is real. I wonder what he thinks of ‘Two and a Half Men.’ ”

“Vladimir Putin announced he’s abolishing daylight saving time. He said he doesn’t want to set Russian clocks back. I will say this: He’s done a pretty good job of setting the Russian calendar back — to about 1983.”


“Now that Putin’s gotten rid of daylight savings, it’s just a matter of time before he decides to get rid of daylight altogether.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended.”


“Due to a technical glitch, Taylor Swift’s new single was released as eight seconds of static, and it still went to No. 1 on iTunes.”


“Yet another person jumped the White House fence. It happened again. On the bright side, at least Michelle Obama is finally getting more Americans to exercise.”

“An Apple computer built by Steve Jobs in his garage in 1976 sold for nearly $1 million. It makes it the most affordable Apple product currently on the market.”


“Sources are saying Russia may have hacked into the White House Internet system. The problem was discovered this morning when suddenly Obama’s screen saver was a shirtless Vladimir Putin.”

JIMMY FALLON

“During a campaign event, former presidential nominee Bob Dole told the crowd that Mitt Romney should run for president in 2016. If there’s anyone who knows that the third time is a charm, it’s a guy who lost three times.”


“President Obama and Michelle Obama went to a parent-teacher conference at their daughters’ school this week. The teachers say their daughters are doing well, but with a few billion more in education funding, they could be doing great.”

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