Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

CONAN O’BRIEN

“Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry his 26-year-old girlfriend, who calls herself ‘Star.’ There you go, folks, another eHarmony success story.”


“That's right, Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry a 26-year-old girlfriend. Must be tough for single women out there. First Clooney, and then Benedict Cumberbatch, and now Manson. All the good ones are taken.”


“Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don't know.”


“Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, ‘Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.’ ”


“President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.”


“In Beaumont, California, two people have lined up over two weeks early at Best Buy for Black Friday. The two people said they're hoping to get a great deal on a life.”


JIMMY FALLON

“President Obama has announced his new 10-part immigration plan. And you thought your family wouldn't have anything to argue about during Thanksgiving this year.”

“There are reports that leaders from ISIS and al-Qaida met at a farm house in Syria last week, and agreed to work together against their common enemies. That story again: Two radical terrorist groups managed to do what two American political parties cannot.”


SETH MEYERS

“Charles Manson is getting married — which is weird because I thought he was already serving a life sentence.”

“While flying over Germany, the cargo door fell off of Bono’s jet. And somehow, it landed in my iTunes.”


“A teenager in Arkansas was arrested after he was caught driving without a license on his way to the DMV to take a driving test, tried to flee, and crashed into a police car. On the plus side, it sounds like he was probably going to fail anyway.”


“Kobe Bryant last night missed his 13,418th shot, breaking the record for most shots missed in an NBA career. Said his teammates, ‘I’m open!’ ”

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