Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“The Senate came one vote short of granting approval to build the Keystone pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming. Then people who had been outside last week said, ‘Sounds good to me. Let’s accelerate that global warming.’ ”


“Google has developed image-recognition software that can accurately capture what’s happening in a photo. But it still has some bugs. It described Kim Kardashian’s recent photo as ‘Woman being chased by two Butterball turkeys.’ ”

“The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, ‘Uh, make the sidewalk lower?’ ”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“President Obama gave a speech on immigration, and none of the big four TV networks aired it. Even television wants to distance itself from President Obama now.”


“Germany has overtaken the United States as the world’s favorite country. Germany is the most popular country in the world. That is one hell of a comeback.”


“The favorite country survey was based on more than 20,000 people in 20 countries. Isn’t it a little bit unfair that they did this before the McRib came back?”


SETH MEYERS

“Last week was Vice President Joe Biden’s birthday! Biden started the day with a dance party and a big piece of cake, and then he remembered it was his birthday.”


“Bono broke his arm in six places, and fractured his hand and shoulder blade in a bike accident in Central Park. But that’s what can happen when you live your life too close to The Edge.”


“Police in Israel seized dozens of weapons that had been disguised as Christmas decorations. Israeli police became suspicious when they saw CHRISTMAS decorations.”


“Due to extreme weather in upstate New York, some drivers were stranded in their cars for up to 36 hours. It was intense. Some of them reported hearing that new Taylor Swift song on the radio as many as 100 times.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Obama’s favorite part of his new immigration plan is that he gets to emigrate to another country. He’s tired of all this.”

  Comments