Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“There are reports that President Obama has finally found a nominee to replace Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. His nominee is named Ashton Carter. Which sounds less like a defense secretary and more like the member of a boy band.”


“A political action committee trying to raise money for a 2016 Hillary Clinton campaign is selling ‘Ready for Hillary’ champagne glasses and Christmas ornaments. Because if one thing improves the holidays, it’s drinking mixed with politics.”

“I saw that on Small Business Saturday, the president went shopping at a bookstore and bought 17 books, including ‘The Laughing Monsters,’ ‘Being Mortal,’ and ‘Heart of Darkness.’ Or as the cashier put it, ‘You OK, man? Maybe a little Chicken Soup for the Presidential Soul?’ ”


“Vladimir Putin bribed a soccer official with a Picasso painting so he would support Russia’s bid to host the 2018 World Cup. Putin was like, ‘It wasn’t Picasso, just picture of what his face would look like if he said no -- nose over here, eye up here, ear in forehead.’ ”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“Tuesday was ‘Giving Tuesday.’ And if you missed it, it’s too late now. Sorry, orphans.”


“Giving Tuesday is a day to be generous and give. It was a big deal online. Can you believe that we used to have to find ways to be charitable without hashtags in the past? I don’t know how we did that.”

“The organizers said you could give back by volunteering, donating to charity, or by letting your ex have the stuff she left in your apartment back. Totally up to you.”


“This is the third year they’ve done this. Shouldn’t they have Giving Tuesday before Black Friday and Cyber Monday? We don’t have any money left.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Cyber Monday was the biggest day of the year for online shopping. It was started by a bunch of nerds who were beat up on Black Friday: ‘I’m not doing that again.’ Ah, the safety of home.”


For the first time, a major league baseball umpire has announced he’s gay. The umpire did this by pointing at himself and yelling, ‘OUT!’ ”


“For the ninth year in a row, Florida made it through hurricane season without being hit by a single hurricane. So it’s official. Even hurricanes don’t want to go to Florida.”

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