Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY KIMMEL

“At the White House, they kicked off Computer Science Education Week. Students gave tutorials on computer code and President Obama sat down and wrote one. All his program does is draw a box, which he’s hoping he can crawl into and hide in for the rest of his term.”


“President Obama was diagnosed with acid reflux. His approval rating is so low that he’s starting to get pushback from his esophagus.”

“So now, Joe Biden is just a heartburn away from the Oval Office.”


“Every year Americans spend millions of dollars on Christmas gifts for their pets, which makes no sense to me. Your pet doesn’t know it’s Christmas. In fact, your pet doesn’t even know it’s a pet, so giving your cat a sweater is about as useful as giving your microwave a hat.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“This week Apple stores held free computer programming classes for children. Or as that’s called in China, a job fair.”


“Some people are mad over the Discovery Channel’s “Eaten Alive” special about a man getting eaten by an anaconda because the snake didn’t completely swallow him. This proves there are two things America will not stand for: false advertising and portion control.”


“Scientists say they’re getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.”


“President Obama met with Britain’s Prince William in the Oval Office. It was a meeting between a symbolic ruler with no real power and the future king of England.”


SETH MEYERS

“A flight headed from San Francisco to Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in L.A. today after a passenger gave birth midflight. The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on.”


“A church in Alabama will start hosting their Sunday services at Buffalo Wild Wings so they can reach a wider audience. And no audience is wider than the people who eat at Buffalo Wild Wings.”


CRAIG FERGUSON

“Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, ‘It feels weird being in the White House because I’m not an American.’ And then Prince William said, ‘Yeah, me too.’ ”

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