Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game.”


“President Obama met with the president of Mexico. When asked what it’s like to govern 100 million Mexican people, Obama said, ‘It can be challenging.’ ”


“The newly elected congressmen and women from the midterm elections were sworn in today. This Congress will be the most diverse ever, with 104 women, 46 blacks, 12 Asian-Americans, and two Native Americans. Even the dolls on the ‘It’s a Small World’ Disney ride said, ‘Not bad.’ ”


“The Girl Scouts announced that they’re adding three new cookies this year, which include Rah-Rah Raisins and two gluten-free flavors. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses said, ‘If they ring the doorbell, pretend we’re not home.’ ”

“Joe Biden went to Brazil in an effort to try and repair America’s relationship with their government. Biden said, ‘It’s great to be here in the Amazon. I’ve always wanted to see where all the books come from.’”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“According to a new report that just came out, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or if you’re an optimist every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.”


“A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.”


“Mark Zuckerberg has an ambition to read something new every two weeks. First up on Zuckerberg’s reading list — all your private Facebook messages.”


“Scientists have made a pill that tricks you into thinking your body is full. Unfortunately, it’s filled with mashed potatoes and has 8,500 calories.”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“We have a new and now Republican-controlled Congress starting today. The 114th Congress convened today in our nation’s capital. I thought Congress got canceled after last season. Their ratings were terrible.”


“A total of 71 lawmakers in the new Congress are freshmen. Their parents helped them move in over the weekend.”

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