Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

JIMMY FALLON

“Hillary Clinton is the leading presidential contender for the Democrats. Former Clinton aide John Podesta said Hillary will highlight her differences with President Obama if she runs. The biggest difference: Hillary is still interested in being president.”


“Potential presidential candidate Jeb Bush will release a decade’s worth of tax returns to avoid comparisons to Mitt Romney. Yeah, they’re nothing alike. They’re just both former governors from wealthy families whose parents gave them super-weird names.”


“Days after Mitt Romney announced he is considering a 2016 presidential campaign, his former running mate Paul Ryan announced that he will not run. Ryan won’t say who he’ll support. He just wants the best man for the Jeb . . . Job, I mean job.”


“The film ‘Boyhood’ won the Golden Globe for best drama. It follows one guy’s journey over the course of 12 years — or as Mitt Romney calls that, ‘running for president.’ ”


“Macy’s is interested in creating discount clothing stores similar to T.J. Maxx. It’ll be great for customers who love the style of Macy’s, but prefer all that clothing thrown on the ground.”


“According to a new study, people with certain names tend to work in the same profession. Many women named Susan are hairdressers. Women named Janet tend to be scientists. Guys named Bobby are race-car drivers, Eleanor for librarians, and apparently, Jimmy for talk-show hosts.”


JIMMY KIMMEL

“The flu season is especially bad this season. Ground zero for most disease is that electronic stylus attached to the credit card swiper at stores. I’m not a germ freak, but why would we all touch that thing? They are filled with bacteria. They should store them in that blue liquid they have at the barber shop.”

“You ever notice the only people still writing checks are old people, and maybe that’s why they are old. They are living longer because they don’t touch those disgusting electronic pads.”


CONAN O’BRIEN

“Republican Mike Huckabee criticized the Obamas for letting their daughters listen to Beyoncé due to her explicit lyrics. So now the Obama girls are faced with the tough choice every teen must eventually make — listen to Beyoncé or Mike Huckabee.”

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