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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Fallon
Fallon AP

CONAN O’BRIEN

“According to a poll, 90 percent of Bernie Sanders supporters plan to vote for Hillary Clinton in November. The other 10 percent plan to put their hand down the sink and then turn on the disposal.”

“Hillary Clinton’s main task this week was to divert attention from leaked DNC emails and other negative press. Hillary began her speech with the rousing first line, ‘Hey, Look, There’s a Pokémon!’ 

“The manager of English soccer team Manchester United has banned his players from playing Pokémon Go. The Manchester United manager said, ‘I want my players thinking about soccer, not some fun game where interesting things happen.’ 

JIMMY FALLON

“If any of these jokes sound old, it’s because Michelle Obama used them in 2008.”

“Right now the New York Times says that Hillary has a 76 percent chance of winning the election. Hillary says she's excited by the news and can’t wait to find a new way to blow it.”

“Hillary was actually campaigning in Las Vegas. Which is crazy; usually when Hillary gambles, it involves national security.’

“A lot of people were wondering why the Trump campaign would even invite Ted Cruz to speak at the convention in the first place. It turns out Ben Carson summoned him the night before by saying the word "Lucifer" three times.”

SETH MEYERS

“First Lady Michelle Obama spoke tonight on the first day of the Democratic National Convention, while Melania Trump furiously took notes.”

“Melania did it: She found something less original than being a model married to an old billionaire.”

“Hillary Clinton introduced her new running mate Senator Tim Kaine at an event in Miami this weekend. She found Kaine while searching a stock photo database for ‘white businessman.’ 

“Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are virtually tied. It's the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman his own age.”

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