Viewpoint

Laugh Attacks

CONAN O’BRIEN

“President Obama met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia’s first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady.”


“In a speech, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016.”


“President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, ‘I’m shocked to find out we still sell something people want.’ ”


“The Northeast was hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they’ve hadn’t seen a whiteout like this since last week’s Oscar nominations.”


“California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.”


JIMMY FALLON

“Vice President Joe Biden said he has privately met with 17 Republican senators at his home to try and connect on issues like tax reform. Biden asked what he can do to speed up negotiations, while Democrats asked, ‘Does this door lock from the outside?’”


“President Obama said that if he could have any superpower, he’d want the ability to speak any language. That’s so everyone in the world could tell him he picked one of the lamest possible superpowers.”


“Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.”


“As gas prices continue to drop, 28 states are now selling regular gasoline for less than $2 a gallon. It’s getting cheaper to pump two gallons of gas outside the station than it is to pump two squirts of nacho cheese inside.”


“New Kids on the Block announced they are going back on tour in May. Wait, the New Kids are touring, gas is at two bucks a gallon, and we may have another round of Bush vs. Clinton for president. If I get home and find a stack of free AOL CDs in the mail, then I’m pretty sure I just traveled through time.”

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