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Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Meyers
Meyers AP

STEPHEN COLBERT

“It looks like all the controversies are taking their toll, with reports that Trump’s campaign staff feel like they are wasting their time and that Trump’s staff is suicidal. They’d jump off the building, but they’re afraid they’d see the word ‘Trump’ on the way down.”

“Trump and his party raised $82 million last month, much of it from small donations, with supporters pitching in $10 to $25 apiece. And they can feel good knowing that every dollar will help Donald Trump reach his ultimate goal — attack ads against Paul Ryan.”

“A CNN reporter spoke to one of Trump’s donors, who said, ‘Unfortunately, I set up a recurring political contribution on Donald Trump’s website, and there’s no place on the website to stop the recurring payment.’ Oops! Supporting Trump is like joining a gym, only it’s democracy that isn’t working out.”

SETH MEYERS

“A Fox News national poll found that people prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump by 10 points. While an MSNBC poll found that Hillary Clinton has already been president for two years.”

“Donald Trump yesterday met with RNC officials who reportedly grew so angry with Trump during the meeting that they yelled at him, ‘Do you realize how badly you’re screwing this up?’ Said Trump, ‘The best? I’m screwing it up the best, right?’ 

“The cool thing about Rio is, if the (Olympic) torch runs out of fuel you can just dip it in the ocean and it’ll reignite.”

JIMMY FALLON

“The Danish government donated a giant Lego model of Rio for the games — the Lego buildings are slightly safer than the actual buildings at the Olympics.”

“A new survey finds that Hillary Clinton has more support in the marijuana industry than Donald Trump. Or in other words, Hillary Clinton will definitely win the vote of people who won’t remember to vote.”

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