Local & State Voices

Laugh Attacks:Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Jimmy Kimmel

“Vladimir Putin won, and now he can focus on his next election: ours.”

“Congratulations to Trump’s B.F.F., Vladimir Putin, who was elected to his fourth term as president of Russia. He won in a landslide. His opponents, coincidentally, died in a landslide.”

“Establishing relationships with friendly foreign leaders is important for Trump right now, because he needs to build a network of countries he can flee to, when the time comes.”

“Robert Mueller has subpoenaed the Trump Organization, the president’s company, demanding that they hand over any documents related to business they may have done with Russia. You know, in an investigation like this, it’s important to follow the money — no matter how many porn stars it leads to.”

“Donald Trump surprisingly hasn’t tweeted about the subpoena yet. Probably because he doesn’t know how to spell the word ‘subpoena.’ 

Trevor Noah

“Mark Zuckerberg is not having a good day. Things are so bad for him right now that Facebook is showing him ads for Xanax.”

Conan O’Brien

“President Trump is now being sued by a porn star, a reality star and a Playboy model. Or as Trump’s evangelical supporters call that, the holy trinity.”

“In Indiana, police found a man at a White Castle with a container of dangerous chemicals. Yeah, a man at a White Castle with dangerous chemicals is known as the cook.”

Stephen Colbert

“Vladimir Putin won re-election with 76 percent of the vote. So congratulations to President Putin for making up a realistic-sounding number.”

“This is Putin’s highest margin of victory yet — it’s really impressive. Though I’m starting to think he might have had help from the Russians.”

Seth Meyers

“Pandas have a natural ability to neutralize cyanide poison. So we finally found someone to run against Putin in 2024!”

“A new poll finds that a majority of Americans believe the government is spying on them. ‘No, we’re not,’ said your microwave.”