Let’s be honest. Few people actually want to listen to the keynote speaker at their college graduation.
Unless the speaker kicks booty.
With graduations at hand, some Charlotte-area colleges and universities have apparently spared no expense in attracting speakers who appear to be pretty interesting. Others…didn’t.
On a grading scale of 1.0 (you’ve flunked and will likely be kicked out of school) to 4.0 (you’ve been on the Principal’s List so many times that your classmates are secretly plotting to kidnap you, store you in the closet and force you to watch “The Waterboy” because you’re just that good), we’ve rated each speaker based on the likelihood the audience will stay awake once they open their mouths.
(Disclaimer: Scores have been calculated based on nothing scientific nor substantive.)
1) Jason Kilar at UNC Chapel Hill
Here’s the guy to blame for those late nights when you binged on episodes of “The Voice” instead of studying for your finals. Kilar is the former CEO of Hulu (a.k.a. millennial crack).
Because he helped launch a streaming service that’s cheaper than cable or DirecTV (but not too conducive for studying) and is now involved with a new startup, we’ll give him a 3.5 (he’s made the Dean’s List).
2) Jill Biden at Central Piedmont Community College
This first lady of vice, Biden’s a sensible choice for CPCC since she’s been quoted as saying that community colleges are “one of America’s best-kept secrets.” She’s big into supporting military families, education and, apparently, yoga.
But she’s also a politician. We’ll give her a 3.0 (she keeps her scholarship).
3) Tom Brokaw at High Point University
Evan Agostini AP
Who really cares what broadcast juggernaut/superman/man-crush Tom Brokaw will say to High Point graduates once they cross the stage? His mere presence will vastly improve their lives.
The former “NBC Nightly News” anchor is classy. And he’s battling cancer — an ordeal he’s shared with mass audiences.
A humanitarian who founded international nonprofit Partners in Health, Farmer is a Harvard University professor who has helped provide health care to rural areas and developing countries, such as Haiti. More recently, he traveled to Liberia to help provide care to those infected by the Ebola virus. We’d have to question our own humanity if we didn’t give him a 4.0.
5) France Córdova at NC State
She’s a university president, a physics professor, an astrophysicist and director of the National Science Foundation (wake me up when it’s over). BUT, most importantly (from our perspective, anyway), she’s the first woman chief scientist at NASA. For that major accomplishment, we’ll give her a 2.0 (try a little harder next year, State).
“We’re losing potential discoveries.” @NSF budget constraints meant $4 billion-worth of projects got axed- Dir. France Córdova #AAASforum
Curry’s a documentary filmmaker who hails from New Jersey. Some of his credits include “Street Fight,” an exploration into Cory Booker’s first run for mayor of Newark, and “Point and Shoot,” a thriller documentary about an American with OCD who leaves Baltimore to help Libyan rebels overthrow dictator Muammar Gaddafi.
Ummm…yeah, we want to watch it. So we give Curry a 3.0.
“At a certain point, you have to stop being precious with your material and be cruel and harsh and judgmental” @marshallcurry via @indieWIRE
Yes, THE Stephen Colbert — Primetime Emmy winning political satirist and David Letterman’s “Late Show” successor — will deliver the commencement address at Wake Forest later this month.
Jonathan McFadden writes about entrepreneurship and small business for the Charlotte Observer but previously covered crime, courts and public safety for the Rock Hill Herald (meaning he always has the best stories at the dinner table). Follow him on Twitter @JmcfaddenObsBiz.
