I ate 11 days worth of sugar in 3 hours on my birthday. Here’s what I got for $3
To say I like dessert would be a massive understatement, but even I can admit when I’ve gone too far.
I turned 31 on Wednesday, and to celebrate, I decided to collect as many birthday freebies as I could stomach.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
Starbucks to start the day
I arrived at the Starbucks on Tyvola Road near Costco around 9:30 a.m. I’d already gone to the gym, showered and gotten dressed, and it wasn’t sweltering hot yet, so I was feeling pretty good.
I parked in the lot at Kabuto Japanese Steakhouse because there were only a few spots available at Starbucks. I typically park away from other cars. I don’t think I’m a bad driver, but Geico might disagree.
Placing the order was easy. The birthday reward appeared in the app, and all I had to do was hit “redeem” to get my free drink.
I ordered a large – or “trenta,” in Starbucks speak – salted caramel cream cold brew. I figured I’d sip on it throughout the day.
I finished most of it before I reached the next stop.
Finding Baskin-Robbins
The Baskin-Robbins on South Tryon Street was only about 15 minutes away, but it took me twice that long to get there.
I couldn’t find it.
I drove around the same three blocks at least five times before remembering that Dunkin’ – which I had passed several times – is owned by the same company and often shares locations with Baskin-Robbins.
By the time I finally arrived, I was frustrated and hungry.
Baskin-Robbins offers a free scoop of ice cream on your birthday. All you have to do is show the reward in the app to the cashier.
I ordered a scoop of chocolate chip cheesecake ice cream and finished it in a matter of minutes. I still had plenty of room for the next treat, but finding Baskin-Robbins wouldn’t be the only challenge of the day.
Culver’s confusion
I didn’t realize Culver’s birthday deal – a free scoop of frozen custard – required a purchase until I got there.
I searched the app for the cheapest item I could find and landed on a Mott’s apple juice box, which somehow still cost nearly $3.
My order was ready almost instantly. I sat down, devoured the vanilla custard with sprinkles and promptly threw the apple juice away.
At that point, I was still hungry for more. That wouldn’t last much longer.
Nothing Bundt stomachaches
Everyone I know loves Nothing Bundt Cakes, including me, but it may be a while before I visit again.
I pulled up the birthday coupon for a free bundtlet – a mini Bundt cake – in the app and showed it to the cashier. She asked which flavor I wanted, and seconds later I walked out with a red velvet cake.
I started eating it in my car, but after a few bites, I began to feel it.
The fullness.
My stomach seemed to get heavier with every bite.
Still, I pushed on. If you’ve ever had a Nothing Bundt Cake, you know they come with a glob of cream cheese frosting on top. I ate the entire thing in one bite.
That’s when the stomachache arrived. But I still had more stops to make.
7-Eleven slurpee selflessness
You can get a free Slurpee on your birthday at 7-Eleven. The problem was that I didn’t actually want one.
Still, I pulled up the reward in the app and headed inside. The offer came with a barcode that had to be scanned at the register.
I looked around for small cups and couldn’t find any, so I asked the cashier for help. He told me they only had medium cups available, but I struggled to find those, too.
Eventually, I gave up and grabbed a large.
The Slurpee machine dispensed at a painfully slow pace, so in an effort to speed things up, I mixed blue raspberry, blood orange and a third flavor I can no longer remember. My body immediately seemed skeptical of the decision.
I took the cup to the register, where the cashier scanned the barcode and discovered a problem: my reward only covered a small Slurpee.
“I can ring it up as a small,” he said.
I thanked him and returned to my car.
For the next 15 minutes, I sat in the parking lot slowly sipping the Slurpee until it was gone.
By then, I was approaching my limit.
A Publix disturbance
I hadn’t planned for Publix to be the final stop on my birthday freebie tour, but it ended up being exactly that.
Earlier that morning, I checked the app and saw the reward waiting for me: a free bar cake.
I assumed a bar cake was just a small slice of cake, so I grabbed one near the entrance and headed to self-checkout.
As I asked the attendant how to enter my phone number, she stopped me.
“That’s the wrong one,” she said, pointing to the cake.
She explained that the birthday reward was actually for a long rectangular bar cake. I found it in the bakery section, and it was easily four times the size of the slice I had originally picked up.
There was absolutely no chance I was eating it right then.
Instead, I grabbed a fork from the hot bar, loaded the cake into the passenger seat and drove home completely stuffed.
I ended up eating about half of the cake shortly after I got back before calling it quits.
Why I didn’t get more
I was fuller than I’d ever been, but that wasn’t the only reason I didn’t get more freebies – a lot of the deals aren’t actually free.
For example, Wendy’s requires a minimum purchase to get a free frosty, and you have to buy something at Arby’s to claim a free menu item. If I got every freebie, I would have spent at least $100.
But I was satisfied with everything I got.
What were the macros?
According to the nutrition facts, I ate roughly 3,500 calories, 530 grams of carbs, 140 grams of fat and about 400 grams of sugar.
For some perspective, the American Heart Association recommends no more than 36 grams of added sugar per day for men. That means I packed roughly 11 days’ worth of sugar into a three-hour birthday freebie tour.
On the bright side, I also managed to eat about 40 grams of protein.
If you know of any birthday freebies I missed – preferably ones that don’t require a purchase – send me an email at emoore@charlotteobserver.com and I’ll add them to next year’s list. And thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday.
I’m about to slip into a food coma.
