3 tips for communicating with your in-laws to avoid fights over the holidays
This is part one of a two-part series to help relieve stress and create a better relationship with your extended family over the holidays. Part two, “6 actions you need to take to have the right mindset this holiday season”, will be released on Monday.
The holidays are quickly drawing near, as evidenced by the sudden explosion of red and green in all the big box stores. For many, this is a time of celebration. Dean Martin’s voice echoes softly through the home, the scent of something delicious drifts casually by, and kindness is experienced at an elevated level.
However, the holidays can also bring feelings of extraordinary stress and pressure; often felt by the arrival of extended family. With everything we have on our proverbial plate this time of year, it may seem daunting and even discouraging to feel like you must now meet the expectations of your in-laws too.
On this topic, I had the honor of speaking with one of Charlotte’s amazing family counselors, Nicole Saunders, LCSW with Therapy Charlotte LLC. She was kind enough to share three tips for practicing open-ended communication for those moments where maybe you are feeling overwhelmed by your in-laws.
(1) “Listen and reflect on what you have heard.”
Truly listening to each other can shed a brighter light on what is really being said. Being a wife, working mom to three kids, and a student, I find that I am often guilty of allowing the convenient access of electronics to mask the importance of face-to-face communication. Whether it is your mother in-law, significant other, or co-worker, we must take the time to slow down and really hear what is being said, both verbally and nonverbably.
(2) “Ask questions to seek a greater understanding of the person’s values or beliefs.”
Instead of asking questions that only require a one word response, ask open-ended questions. Words like what, who, why, and how are great ways to acknowledge a deeper understanding of where their thoughts and feeling are rooted. Using these interrogative words is a way to show someone that you care about what is important to them.
We are each unique, free thinking individuals. We do not all share the same beliefs, values, or dreams, and **big exhale** that is a good thing. It is the combination of these different thoughts and ideas that allows us to grow as a populus. It would be selfish of me to think that what I believe should be shared by any other individual. Putting that in the context of communication, it is beneficial to your relationships that you ask these questions to develop a greater understanding of what is important to those closest to your heart
(3) “Give the benefit of doubt / have compassion for the person you are speaking with.”
A mother-in-law’s comment about the baby seeming cold, may not be because she doubts your parenting skills at all. Instead, it could be because she worried about her children being cold when they were young or possibly she was frequently cold when she was growing up. What could initially seem passive aggressive likely comes from a place of concern and care.
Utilizing these tips can go a long way in changing the direction of a conversation and help the family grow by creating a foundation built on solid relationships.
Photo: Jacqueline Williams
This story was originally published November 16, 2017 at 9:00 PM with the headline "3 tips for communicating with your in-laws to avoid fights over the holidays."