In light of sexual abuse cases, experts tell us how to apologize effectively
The trickle of sexual misconduct allegations that started with a Hollywood producer has given way to a full-fledged downpour against dozens of entertainment’s elite, lawmakers, even legendary newsmen.
[Related: White men, sexual assault is our problem and it’s time to acknowledge it]
Making it even worse, many of the apologies that followed have generated their own outrage. Actor Kevin Spacey and comedian Louis C.K were blasted online for their versions.
So, outside of the obvious lessons of this whole debacle, like don’t touch someone without asking, exposing yourself to anyone you aren’t in an intimate relationship with isn’t OK (and even then, you still need consent), and blocking a door so a person can’t get out is a big sign you are doing something wrong, there is another lesson we can learn.
It’s the simple lesson of how to apologize.
Experts say in order for any apology to be effective it needs to be genuine and contain two critical elements: remorse and ownership.
First, an apology must express remorse.
“A person has to reach inside and find something that they are truly sorry for,” SureHope Counseling and Training Center counselor Mike Vaughn said.
Deanna Cuccinello, a licensed professional counselor, agreed the remorse must be heartfelt.
“If you are not willing to be vulnerable and open, the apology will likely not be effective,” she said.
According to Vaughn, who is also a licensed professional counselor, it is important to apologize for your action, not for the emotion the action caused.
“This is NOT an apology,” he said.
Ownership is the real key to an effective apology and also where most people go wrong.
“State what you are sorry for and have a ‘period’ at the end of it,” Vaughn said. “That means that you need to say you’re sorry and then stop talking.”
Both Vaughn and Cuccinello agreed that placing blame, or making excuses in an attempt to explain the behavior doesn’t ease the suffering.
“It is often difficult for people to own what they have done without adding in a ‘but’ or ‘because’ to justify the behavior,” Cuccinello said. “Utilizing ‘I’ statements to acknowledge how your actions have impacted others is the most effective approach.”
A few years ago, a blog that went viral on Facebook suggested a formula to teach kids how to say they’re sorry. It was based on a teacher training program, but the formula just might work for us adults, too.
It outlines these four steps:
(1) I’m sorry for… (Be specific)
(2) This is wrong because…
(3) In the future, I will… (Use positive language. Say what you will do, not what you won’t do)
(4) Will you forgive me? (The other person does not have to say yes, but the request at least opens the door to possibility.)
Experts also say the sooner someone apologizes, the bigger the impact.
Perhaps with more empathy and sensitivity, apologizing will no longer be looked at as a sign of weakness. We all make mistakes. We all will need to apologize for something at some point and we will all have to make the decision whether or not to forgive.
Photo: Shutterstock
This story was originally published November 30, 2017 at 11:00 PM with the headline "In light of sexual abuse cases, experts tell us how to apologize effectively."