It’s true. Irrational anger, dumb arguments and spiteful comments only bring me closer to my husband.

Last weekend my husband, Tony, and I enjoyed a fabulous and child-free trip with some of our favorite people. On our way home from retrieving our daughter from her grandparents’, I picked a fight. I was exhausted and cranky and a little sad about leaving my best friend.

Also, after a late lunch with my mother-in-law, my husband mentioned being tired and I thought that he was going to ask me to drive – a long standing source of contention in our relationship. I HATE to drive and if I’m being totally forthcoming, simply don’t think that I should have to do it when we are together. I have a litany of reasons why I think I should get a pass on driving, they range from somewhat reasonable to completely petulant.

However, as we sped down I-77 my irritation over him having the audacity to even think about asking me to captain our car grew with each passing mile. From shotgun, I tried to exude my displeasure about the possibility of driving by hitting the seek button on the radio with fierce determination and then sighing loudly when I didn’t find a song that I liked.

“Why are you being such an ass all of a sudden?” Tony said. “Is it because I said I was tired and you’re afraid that I’m going to ask you to drive some?”

Damn it! I hate when he knows me so well. However, instead of admitting that he was right, I decided to make a preemptive nuclear strike against him.

“No. And, first of all, if anyone is an ass here it you…you know, considering that you forgot my birthday!”

Yes, he had forgotten my birthday earlier that week. It was not malicious or calculated. He simply forgot.

Was I sad and hurt that he forgot? Yes, of course. Did I believe that he was sorry deep in his soul? I absolutely did. Had I forgiven him? Fairly quickly. Did I know that bringing it up would get me out of driving? Yep.

However, what I forgot or, more accurately, didn’t care about in that moment was that by bringing that up, after forgiving him and after enjoying a wonderful weekend of celebration, was that I was simply playing to win. I didn’t care that I was hurting the great love of my life.

It was wrong of me and although I don’t think that he deserves a free pass for not remembering my birthday and he will undoubtedly take some good-natured hell for many years, I think what I did in that moment was worse because of its intentionality. Leave it me to come out looking like a chump after my husband forgets my birthday.

Tony and I have known each other since we were five. We’ve been together for 22 years, married for 15 and we have been parents for eight. We have quite literally grown up together.

As we have grown, we have had periods where we didn’t like each other, when we got in ruts so deep that we were unsure if we were strong enough to climb out. Fortunately, those have been a minority; for the most part, we have the best damn times. Furthermore, even when he forgets my birthday, it is his heart that I try to remember. It is one of the best ones ticking.

Although we both may slip from time to time and take each other for granted, I know how fortunate I am to have had this man by my side for more than two decades. My husband can still take my breath away simply by walking into a room. He is the Wesley to my Buttercup. He allows me to dream big, while his hard work and determination keeps us grounded.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t get irritated when he eats my leftovers. And, every now and then we are going to have a solid Come to Jesus meeting.

If I have learned anything in my relationship it is that if we allow ourselves to hone in on the traits and idiosyncracies that annoy us about the person that we spend the most time with, it makes it easy to forget why we like and love them so much.

My husband forgot my birthday. That certainly hurt my feelings. In turn, I was pig-headed and irritable about an imagined sleight. I went for the jugular. We’re human. We do stupid, hurtful things from time to time, often to the ones we love the most.

I was not proud of how I acted as our trip came to an end. However, I am glad that it forced me to reflect on my marriage. Finally, I remembered how fortunate I was to have found the love of my life more than 20 years ago and because of that:

• I am going to talk to my husband like he is my best friend.
• I am going to make BBQ meatloaf more often.
• I am going to laugh like only he can make laugh.
• I am going to tell him when he warms my cold heart.
• I am going to hug him when he gets home from work.
• I am going to admit when I’m wrong (well, I’m going to try).
• I am going to bring him a cup of coffee in the morning.
• I am going to put my legs over his lap when we’ve collapsed on the couch after a long day.
• I am going to send him ridiculous gifs throughout the day.
• I am going to stop stealing his phone charger.
• I am going to remind him how much he means to our girl.
• I am going to let him know how much brighter he makes my world.
• I am going to love him more.

Photos: Sosha Lewis

This story was originally published January 19, 2018 at 12:00 AM with the headline "It’s true. Irrational anger, dumb arguments and spiteful comments only bring me closer to my husband.."