We talked to a famed OBGYN about orgasms, intimacy and what makes for good sex.

Your New Year’s resolution probably had to do with being a healthier, happier person in 2018—but does that include having a healthy, happy sex life?

Dr. Alyse Kelly-Jones and her colleagues at Charlotte-based Mintview OB/GYN think that creating the healthy sex life you want, need, and deserve should be a priority for everyone. That’s why they’re hosting a night of honest, real discussion about all things sex and sensuality called Let’s Talk About Sex. Really. on Tuesday, Jan. 30 at the Visulite Theatre.

Kelly-Jones, who spoke at TEDx Charlotte recently on sexual shame, has spent the majority of her professional career working with women who are dealing with sexual dysfunction, especially low libido and painful sex. She has been featured in People Magazine, O Magazine, Redbook, Fitness and Women’s Health, among other publications. She says she’s found that the happiest women were those who actively sought out ways to work with her and take responsibility for their own health.

We spoke with Dr. Kelly-Jones to learn more about the topics she’ll be covering at Tuesday’s event, and what she wants women (and men) to know about their sex lives.

On why intimacy will make you care less about the dishes

Human beings are hardwired for connection, says Kelly-Jones. In order to survive, we must connect with others. One of the primary ways that we connect with one another is through intimacy. That can be intimacy with your friends and co-workers, certainly—but ultimately, we crave intimacy with our partners.

Being intimate with one another is critical if you want to have a happy, successful relationship. “You don’t care about if the trash has been taken out or if the dishes have been put away if you’ve had great sex with your partner,” said Kelly-Jones. “It helps you see past those small things and focus on the big picture.”

Kelly-Jones talks about “intimacy” specifically because sex is typically defined as penis-in-vagina intercourse. “Intimacy can be kissing, an erotic butt massage, oral sex… Really, anything that brings you sexual pleasure,” she says.

And what can intimacy (and good sex) do, aside from dial up what Kelly-Jones calls your connection-meter? “It can lower your risk of cancer and heart disease, it can improve your sleep and your mood, it can make you look younger, and it can give you self-confidence,” she explains in her TED talk. “Sex sounds like the best drug ever.”

On orgasms v. sexual pleasure

After Kelly-Jones listed all of those physical health benefits of having sex, I asked her if those only came from sex that ended in orgasm(s). She said no—those benefits come from sexual pleasure.

“One of the things we know through research is that you don’t have to have an orgasm to have sexual pleasure,” said Kelly-Jones.

However, she admitted that the benefits are greater when you do have an orgasm. “When you have an orgasm you release all kinds of amazing hormones in your brain that are very beneficial for you,” she said. “But still, sexual pleasure doesn’t have to be based on orgasms.”

On (zoomed in) ‘genital selfies’ and how to educate ourselves

During our interview, Kelly-Jones put it bluntly: what most people have learned about sex can fit on the end of a ballpoint pen. She went on to reference a few points she made in her TED talk about how we’re taught about sex and intimacy as adolescents.

“Our sex education is oftentimes a message of risk and danger,” she says in her talk. “Even though 90 percent of the sex we have is for pleasure, nobody ever talks about pleasure.”

Think back to your own sex-ed class, she prompts. Were you taught anything about pleasure?

For most of us, Kelly-Jones said, the answer is no. “Most people don’t learn how their body really functions until they’re in their late 20s, early 30s,” she told me. “And by then, they’ve been having sex for many years.” 

So, now that we’re all pretty late to the game, where do we start? By learning about our bodies and how they work.

In her TED talk, Kelly-Jones urges us to look closely at our genitals with a handheld mirror—or if you don’t have one of those, then with a handheld device. “Take a genital selfie,” she says, to laughter and applause. “Zoom in on it!”

What next? “Once you know what you look like, be able to name your parts properly. Say them without giggling or stammering,” she instructs. “Once you know what you look like, figure out what touch feels good, what touch you want more of, and maybe what touch not so much. Get really brave and share this with your partner.”

For a lot of people, the natural next question is, How do I figure out what I want sexually? Kelly-Jones recommends listening to a podcast called The Pleasure Mechanics. “They’ve got over 200 podcasts that are free that you can download on your phone or computer,” she said. “There’s not a topic they haven’t discussed from, what do you look like down there to how to give a great blow job.”

On engaging all five senses during sex

How do you connect with another person? Through your senses.

“Sex is about intimacy and sensuality. Sensuality is about our senses,” says Kelly-Jones in her TED talk. “Oftentimes during sex, we turn off the lights, close our eyes, shut our mouths… And then we do one of the most intimate things you can do with another human being.”

Kelly-Jones said that the bedroom should be the most sensual room in your home. “There shouldn’t be a computer, a TV, clothes everywhere, toys everywhere… It should be a restricted place,” she told me. “Along with that, you need to have readily available things to stimulate your senses.”

One of her top recommendations is to get a massage oil candle—the kind that melts into an oil that you can use to give your partner a rubdown. That way, you’re turning on three of your senses: sight, smell and touch.

She also recommends engaging your sense of taste. “When I say that, people always think of those cheap sticky candy things you can get at the sex toy store, and I tell them no,” she said. “It can be a strawberry, or any other kind of fruit. Some whipped cream. Anything that can be sensual in the bedroom.”

The whole reason that it’s important to engage your senses when you’re being intimate with your partner is that you’re training your brain to create positive associations with intimacy.

“You probably can recall a time in your life when senses were beneficial for you. Imagine that you walk into your mom’s house and she’s making chocolate chip cookies—you remember that smell in a positive way. You may also remember a time in your life when you ate something that made you sick, and now you’re like, ‘I can’t smell that thing anymore,’” she explained. “These are very powerful memories in the brain that our senses can tap into. When we get our brain headed in the right direction for sex, then the body follows.”

Her top recommendations? “Turn on the lights. Open your eyes. Tell your partner what you really want.” 

On what to expect at Tuesday’s event

At Let’s Talk About Sex. Really. on Jan. 30 at 6:30 p.m. at the Visulite Theatre, Kelly-Jones and her colleagues will use their forthright attitude about sex and sexual dysfunction to create a nonjudgmental environment for a night of honest discussion about all things sex and sensuality.

Attendees will be encouraged to submit their questions on 3×5 cards, completely anonymously. Kelly-Jones will answer as many of these questions as she can, openly and honestly.

“The biggest thing that holds people back is just making the commitment to coming, but I honestly believe this is a no-brainer,” Kelly-Jones said. “If you’re a human being and you want to have a good sex life, and you’re not currently working on that in some way, then this is the event for you. It could be the catalyst for creating what you really want in your life, sexually.”

Tickets for the event — open to women, men and couples — are $10 per person and include appetizers. There will also be a cash bar, and all attendees will leave with a swag bag including samples of different types of lube, a discreet condom carrying case that looks like a compact, condoms from One Condoms and more. To purchase tickets, visit cltmintviewobgyn.eventbrite.com.

Featured Image: Rachel Sutherland Communications

This story was originally published January 24, 2018 at 8:00 PM with the headline "We talked to a famed OBGYN about orgasms, intimacy and what makes for good sex.."