Want to buy the Carolina Panthers? Here’s the New Owner Application
While the sale of our Carolina Panthers is imminent, it’s not too late to think hard about what we want in a new owner. We could debate this all day, but perhaps the question is … what are the Panthers looking for?
[Related: My letter to the future owner of the Panthers, from the world’s biggest fan.]
To answer that, I’ve tapped my underworld contacts to obtain a copy of the New Owner Application Form from deep within the Panthers organization. Many Bothan spies died to bring us this information, so let’s make the most of it. If you happen to be pals with the billionaire next door, feel free to print this out or cut it out of the newspaper and slip it under the wiper blade of their Lamborghini Veneno.
1) Legal Name: _______________________
(If your name is Wardell Stephen Curry II, don’t waste time filling this out. Please call 704-358-7000 immediately for bank wiring details. Operators are standing by.)
2) Gender: M F
3) Age: ______
4) Net Worth: __________ (If less than 2.5B, we’re done here.)
5) Do you desire sole ownership or partnership? _______________
- If partnership, is Steph Curry involved? Y N (If yes, follow the instructions on question #1.)
6) What is your experience level with football? Owner | Part-owner | NFL player | Collegiate player | High School | Pop Warner | Madden ‘18 | Fantasy Football (If fantasy, what was your final 2017 ranking?)
7) Do you live in Charlotte? Y N
- If “No,” you know that Charlotte isn’t Charleston, SC, right? Y N
- If “No,” you know that Charlotte isn’t Charlottesville, VA, right? Y N
8) The Panthers are to Charlotte as:
- The Packers are to Green Bay
- The Rams are to Los Angeles
- A boat is to an anchor
- David Lee Roth is to Van Halen
9) What’s the proper way to address a group of people?
- “Y’all”
- “You all”
- “Yous guys”
- “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury”
10) Do you practice nepotism? Y N
11) Do you practice reverse nepotism (e.g., firing one’s own offspring)? Y N
12) Do you consider yourself a micro-manager?
- Not at all
- Somewhat
- This question is poorly written; let me have a crack at it
13) How do you envision your involvement with the team?
- “Hands-on”
- “Hands-off”
- “Handsy”
14) Please disclose if you maintain a friendship with any of the following individuals: Bill Cosby | Kevin Spacey | Mario Batali | Russell Simmons | Harvey Weinstein
15) Are you proficient with power tools? Y N (For example, could you fashion a makeshift tarp over Bank of America Stadium if Roger Goodell looks our way for the Super Bowl?)
16) Which of the following do you consider “essential”: Oxygen | Food | Luke Kuechly | Water | Thomas Davis | Shelter | Cam Newton
17) How do you feel about tattoos and/or end zone celebrations and/or the general concept of personal freedom of expression?
18) If your players refused to stand during the National Anthem, would you:
- Kneel with them
- Criticize them
- Criticize them, then kneel with them, then criticize them
19) Please indicate your view on investing in the team’s future:
- I pay what I must for the future
- I pay what I must to win right now
- Who cares? Just raise ticket prices
20) How do you feel about the Carolina Panthers Official Fight Song, “Stand and Cheer”?
- Full-body dry heave set to music
- Kinda’ growing on me
- That cheesy tune is sacred
21) In football and in life, do you consider yourself risk-seeking or risk-averse?
- I play it safe
- I take some chances
- Hold my beer – Riverboat Ron’s got nothin’ on me
22) What does the phrase “Keep Pounding” mean to you?
- It’s Miller Time
- Beat Cancer
- Default assembly instruction for IKEA furniture
Please provide 3 Professional References:
(Note: as of January 26, 2018, we no longer accept Stephen Wynn as a reference.)
Email: mattolincreative@gmail.com
This article first ran at CharlotteObserver.com.
Photo: Charlotte Observer file
This story was originally published April 2, 2018 at 9:15 PM with the headline "Want to buy the Carolina Panthers? Here’s the New Owner Application."