Raising emotionally resilient kids by starting with yourself

Attempting to teach our children the language of emotion can get sticky. It is expansive and can be terribly ambiguous. Connecting words with feelings and then feelings with physical reactions is a lot to manage. It takes some work and just like everything else in life, we can’t teach or model it unless we know it ourselves.

Unfortunately, the average adult can account for a grand total of about three feelings: happy, sad, mad. Yes, these are valid but should be considered the primary colors of emotion; they’re surely not enough to assist our kids (or ourselves) through the rainbow of emotions we are capable of feeling or attempting to navigate.

The problem with feelings is, there are just so many them.  We can teach our kids the alphabet and numbers easily. Colors and shapes can have different dimensions but once identified and understood, kids catch on and a circle is always a circle, forever.

Feelings are not so simple. They’re not only multi-dimensional, they’re shape-shifting, fickle and unpredictable. There are SO many feelings, as indicated in this color wheel.

The English language offers hundreds of descriptive words that connect to emotions, and if that’s not overwhelming enough, there are at least twenty-one other feelings for which the English language does not have words, but other languages do! Like this, which is the Hebrew word for ‘identifying with others’ suffering so much, one’s own heart physically hurts’: זיהוי לאחרים סבלו כל כך הרבה כי הלב כואב

Beginning the process

I believe it is essential to start with yourself. How many feelings can you name that you can also describe how they physically make you feel? Write a list. One of the best ways to connect with your child is through empathy. If you are aware that when in shame you physically feel your face flush red hot, and you feel the weight of an elephant on your shoulders, then you can use this description to help your child also identity what they feel when they’re in shame. 

Understanding and talking about our physical reactions linked to our feelings helps normalize them. Even more, when we can relate to our kids and share common empathetic stories when they’re hurting or confused by their feelings, it allows for deep connection and a bond of trust.

Unlearning the labels

It is important to do away with the idea that some feelings shouldn’t be felt. It’s time to rip the labels off feelings. A negative stigma placed on the less-desirable feelings is the perfect set-up for a life-long shame storm. When feelings are negatively labeled, kids are less likely to talk about them or openly express them.

It’s essential to teach our kids that all feelings are created equal. We should give all the feels a voice and learn how to manage them appropriately. Feelings are feelings, we all have them and while sadness and anger probably aren’t our favorite feelings to feel, they still matter and we should talk about them and what evokes them.

Educating your kids

Identifying a child’s need, and how it came to be what it is is perhaps the very definition of being a parent. If your child approaches you saying they are injured but they don’t know what or where their elbow is, how can you help them? Just as we teach our children their body parts so they can tell us where it hurts, we have to do the same with their feelings.  But it’s practically impossible if we haven’t given attention or awareness to our own feelings. Knowing the difference between shame and guilt is as important as knowing the difference between your shoulder and your elbow.

Putting it into practice

Dr. Brene Brown, a shame and vulnerability researcher, recommends an activity to do as a family to help build emotionally resilient kids. Draw a picture of your home, and at the top of the paper write, “You always have permission to…” Fill in the house with descriptive feeling words. You always have permission to cry, be frustrated, laugh, be sad, be afraid, etc.

Giving our feelings permission to be what they are and letting our kids know all feelings are not only normal but are safe is so important. Crying isn’t a sign of weakness., it’s an indicator, a wave on the surface of your child’s world. “It’s ok to cry.  Let’s see if we can find out what little earthquake caused that wave? Wanna talk with me? Can I tell you about a time I cried really hard, just like you?”

Raising emotionally resilient children comes through identifying our feelings, giving them names, and giving them permission to be what they are through normalization and empathy.

Cover photo: Kemal Taner, Shutterstock

This story was written for CharlotteFive’s latest channel for parents in the QC, called QC Playground. Sign up for the weekly QC Playground newsletter here.

This story was originally published February 26, 2017 at 8:00 PM with the headline "Raising emotionally resilient kids by starting with yourself."