Conversations to have before you say ‘I do,’ according to a premarital counselor

Saying marriage is a big step is the understatement of the century, which made me wonder why aren’t there more books, classes, periscope, lectures, etc. on embarking on such a life-changing decision that is meant to last a lifetime?

According to the National Center for Health Statistics over 2 million people tie the knot each year in the United States, and the most recent statistics from North Carolina Center for Health Statistics show over 70,125 in North Carolina. But with a 50 percent divorce rate how prepared are we to a have lasting marriage?

Jay Cobb, Counselor, MACC, LMFTA, LPCA, offers marital and premarital counseling at Sanctuary Counseling Group. He usually asks his couples to take the Prepare and Enrich assessment to lay the ground work for their first session. The assessment identifies the couple’s differences and similarities, which leads to their strength and growth areas.

“There are 10 different profiles to go through but I usually focus on the ones with lots of differences for the couples,” said Cobb.

Cobb is often surprised at some of the questions that engaged couples haven’t asked their mate. Some questions he suggests you ask before you say “I do” involve various discussions around family, career, finances and more.

Prompts for discussing family ideals

– What are your goals as a couple? Family?

– Whose role will be what in the family?

– Are you set in gender roles, traditional roles, etc.?

– Who takes responsibility for getting things done (i.e. cooking dinner, getting the car serviced, etc.)?

Career questions to ask

– How do we deal with career issues?

– Whose career will take the lead?

– What if someone’s career includes relocation? How do we handle that?

During our discussion, the conversation led to issues Cobb sees in married couples and he said, “Finance is what they argue about most.”

So in his premarital counseling he makes sure he addresses money and the thoughts behind it. One thing that he is surprised to find out when discussing what he calls a “hot topic” is that some couples don’t even know how much debt the other has.

Financial questions to ask

– What kind of college debt do you have?

– How do you see money?

– What is your philosophy around saving and spending?

– How do you feel about money?

– Where did those feelings come from (i.e. growing up poor or rich, etc.)?

Another topic of discussion is kids, which Cobb says “is a big one”.

Parenting questions to ask

– What would you consider successful parenting?

– What do you feel is critical to successful parenting?”

Currently in his practice, Cobb is also seeing a lot of blended families. He said, “It’s not like ‘The Brady Bunch these days.’ It’s harder and harder.”

– What are the differences in each of your parenting styles?

– Did you make promises before coming into this relationship to your children (i.e. paying for college, etc.)?

– How do you deal with exes?

One thing that is clear from speaking to Cobb: Communication is key to a successful marriage that will last a lifetime. You must ask questions, understand and be clear on what someone else is saying and clarify nonverbal cues.

“I tell my couples all the time to slow down and talk,” he said. “Make sure you are communicating properly and that you understand each other. It’s okay to have different opinions but you need to be able to have a conversation around it.”

Photo: Goran Vrakela

This story was originally published March 22, 2017 at 10:12 PM with the headline "Conversations to have before you say ‘I do,’ according to a premarital counselor."