Ask a Boomer: How to deal when your parents are driving you crazy
My (fill in the blank: mother/father, parents) are meddling in my life – How do I get them to STOP?? The Boomer has entertained many inquiries with variations on this theme of late ranging from: “I had to move back in with my folks and now they’re expecting me to keep certain hours and advise them of my comings and goings,” and “I want to raise my kids the way I want to raise my kids and my mom doesn’t seem to understand that,” and “My parents don’t like my choice of (significant other, job, vacation plans) – How do I get them to butt out?”
An issue as old as time itself, the meddling parent conundrum transcends generations. Your parents’ parents meddled as did their parents and every other parent going all the way back to Adam and Eve who had no bargain with Cain and Abel. Here are a few time-tested strategies from the Boomster for some of the most common situations:
The stay-at home son/daughter
Your rent-free status carries a greater burden than your un-tethered brethren. Be courteous and respectful, living under the folks’ roof comes with some strings attached. Head off conflicts by being pro-active with your communication and shouldering responsibilities BEFORE you’re asked. When going out, it’s not so hard to tell them when you think you might be home – or if you’ll be home at all.
Pitching in around the house is a good preemptive strike – Don’t give the ‘rents ammo to make their decision to re-shelter you one they’ll regret.
The hovering helicopter parents
Their baby has flown the coop and their vicarious thrills from your every success are getting more distant. Recognize their need to shower you with their “love.” Boundaries are critical here – as in all adult-children/parent relationships – let mom and dad know about global trials and tribulations of your life but keep them out of the minutia by simply deflecting the routine inquisitions and steering them to more healthy conversations.
Bottom line – You don’t have to go “there” with them on everything – you decide what to share or not.
The new grandparents
The only thing standing between their do-over and your new baboo is you. Listen and nod a lot – They’ve been there and likely have some good input, but let them know that you are the parent here and while you appreciate their advice, the ultimate job of parenting is yours alone. Keep in mind their gig now is to spoil your kids a bit, don’t deny them their due.
The Jewish mother
Sharon Lachow-Blumberg, founder of Charlotte based coaching and advisory firm, I’m Not Done Yet LLC, shares the following:
“Ever since my mom died, my dad has taken on the role of Jewish mother. The best response is to say ‘thanks dad for your advice,’ and change the subject. In our parent’s eye, we will always remain the child needing advice and guidance. Especially as our parents age, their sense of purpose and engagement may diminish, and they struggle with the sense of belonging and feeling needed. Roles may shift and we become the caretaker and nurturer. Breathing deeply and saying thank you are the best ways to move through the meddling.”
Parent/child relationships have countless moving parts. Patience, respect and love are your strongest allies in striking an equitable middle ground with your parents. Strive for this independent of any one situation and you’ll be glad you did.
Now it is your turn: Have a question about life, love, money, career or anything else for the Boomer? Send it to: charlottefive@charlottefive.com with the subject line “Ask a Boomer.”
Photo: CharlotteFive
This story was originally published July 5, 2016 at 11:00 PM with the headline "Ask a Boomer: How to deal when your parents are driving you crazy."