The best places to have an emotional breakdown in Charlotte
If you’re familiar with “Sunset Boulevard,” we’re already good friends. But if not, let me introduce you to this classic 1950 film: Norma Desmond is a washed up starlet who hosts a party, masquerading her emotional breakdown, complete with trying to seduce an unsuccessful screenwriter who *spoiler alert* ends up face down in her pool.
Now I enjoy a solid emotional breakdown in my own home, but sometimes you need to take it for a walk. Let it breathe outside where people can only helplessly look on.
This, my friends and future friends, is how to have a glamorous emotional breakdown in Charlotte. One key skill you’ll need: The ability to cry behind your sunglasses (and “glasses glasses” for that matter) without anyone seeing a tear.
Let’s get to it. These are rated on a Sad Level of 1 (eating vegan ice cream) to 10 (Thelma and Louise-ing over a cliff but SURVIVING and returning to waitressing and housewifing in Arkansas).
Sunflour Baking Company in Dilworth.
I was laid off from a full-time job I loathed but was making bonkers money doing. I soothed these mixed feelings with a soft sugar cookie laden with sprinkles. Here’s what else my Pretend Husband and I ate: The Black Friday (turkey, brie, and house made cranberry apple chutney) and Pimento Cheese and Tomato (white and yellow cheddar with roasted red peppers and tomato). We talked about riding on Air Force One in fur coats. Sad Level: 6 (Looking good, feeling like garbage).
220 East Blvd., Charlotte.
A photo posted by @lookitsjoanne on Feb 21, 2016 at 6:58pm PST
Basil Thai at Stonecrest Shopping Center
I have a like/meh relationship with this restaurant. I once had to eat at Basil Thai in Charleston, which made me feel nuts since Charleston has ALL THE FOOD and THIS IS A CHAIN. In Charlotte, I yak the bartender’s ear off until they are Vincent Van Gogh. As soon as I feel they are truly listening to me, they slip me the check. Yep, $17.00 for one bowl of Pad Thai. That’s when I realize how foolish it was to turn the bartender into my emotional support pug. Sad Level: 7 (A pug without a dinosaur costume).
7800 Rea Road, Charlotte.
Sobbing on I-485 Outer and turning on to I-77.
The streets of south Charlotte are paved thick with my tears, as are the highways. When it’s time to flee but I don’t have the cash to back it up, I drive all the way to Huntersville, see an exit sign for an Applebee’s, wail into the steering wheel and turn back home and eat rice cakes until I pass out. Sad Level: 8 (Living under the delusion that Applebee’s makes their own desserts).
You probably already know where I-485 and I-77 are.
Wendy’s in Stonecrest Shopping Center with a detour into an opulent Blakeney neighborhood.
Anyone can have an emotional breakdown at The Spa at Ballantyne. That’s what it’s there for. It takes a truly sad individual to do it while driving and shoveling fries, a Frosty and a Junior Cheeseburger Deluxe into themselves. This was me about a month ago when a writing client was picking me apart like a wet ball of string. After feigning a smile to the Wendy’s drive-thru associate, I proceeded to weep into the warm, greasy paper bag and made a hard right towards Blakeney. I careened into a neighborhood with houses the size of the Family Dollar headquarters in Matthews, sobbing while squeezing a fry into my Junior Cheeseburger Deluxe and screaming “Why can’t I live here and where OH WHERE are my 2.5 swarthy children named Marlo and Claude?”
One woman was taking an afternoon walk. I wonder how she’s doing. Hopefully better than me that afternoon. Sad Level: 11 (If you’re not retching into your Frosty, you’re doing it wrong.)
7712 Rea Road, Charlotte.
There you have it. Now go out there and make people feel uncomfortable.
Photo: Diedra Laird/Charlotte Observer
This story was originally published September 15, 2016 at 1:02 AM with the headline "The best places to have an emotional breakdown in Charlotte."