How to survive a trip to the Metropolitan

There is nothing quite as jarring as discovering those groceries you bought last week have already come and gone, and the light bulbs you swear you changed burnt out within what felt like days.

I experienced it recently, scrambling around the kitchen in the dark looking for the rest of the pimento cheese. Alas, there was none and a harrowing realization came to my mind: I had to go to the Metropolitan.

Now there are plenty of other places to get these things, but for whatever reason I am drawn back to the Metropolitan every time I need something. No different than the Romans travelling to the Colosseum to see gladiators, the possibility for sheer human madness is too much to resist.

For those of you looking for your own thrill seeking experience, here’s some quick tips on making it through a visit to the Metropolitan.

(1) Feel the need for speed in the parking deck

The parking deck in the Metropolitan is NARROW. The people who park in this deck are all excellent drivers, however, and have each attended some form of drifting school or been on the set of “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.” With this in mind there’s no need to worry about those tight corners and turns.

(2) It’s OK to cry at Target

Target is not for the weak-hearted. The cheap trinkets in the front are meant to lure you in further. Resist that urge. Run to the beer and wine aisle. Try not to let the stream of tens, hundreds — no, thousands — of shopping carts get in your way. Sneak over to the seasonal section to look for Halloween costumes. Don’t ask anyone in the store why it’s suddenly Christmas. Dash back toward the exits and into the nearby bathroom. It’s OK to cry … just stay out of the aisles.

(3) Embrace passive aggression at Trader Joe’s

Your eyes may still be a little bloodshot but at least now you can enjoy the smell of fresh coffee samples and the aesthetically pleasing layout of Trader Joe’s. There are groceries to get, but for some reason every single thing on your list happens to also be on the list of every other shopper in the store. Don’t acknowledge the woman debating the merits of garbanzo beans over pinto beans, instead awkwardly pretend you’re interested in the sardines next to the bean section. Be sure to let the woman know how much of an inconvenience her dietary decisions truly are by rubbing the back of your neck and sighing often. When she finally moves on swipe your can, move to the next aisle — rinse and repeat.

(4) Don’t look back, don’t ever look back

You’ve finally made it out with your groceries and arrived at your car. A stray cart slides down the ramp beside you, empty but foreboding. The sounds of “Now That’s What I Call Music 5” ring through the entrance doors at Best Buy. Resist the urge to ponder what this all means. Veer out the exit ramp and drive home, vowing never to return … for another week at least.

Photos: Charlotte Observer file

This story was originally published September 13, 2016 at 1:00 AM with the headline "How to survive a trip to the Metropolitan."