Thanksgiving is not always a tryptophan-filled fantasia for the LGBTQ community. In fact, it can be an isolating time where the people who knew you in diapers either a) judge you every time you see them, b) are so horrified by your life choices they refuse to see you at all, or c) an alternating nightmare of both for the rest of your life.
LGBTQ people should never feel obligated to see their blood-related family for Thanksgiving if it makes them feel unsafe. They shouldn’t have to endure Uncle Ted asking why they can’t find a nice boy if you’re a girl and vice versa, or for trans people to hear themselves being constantly misgendered around the table. That’s never okay and you don’t need to tolerate that.
With those caveats, here are tips for not just surviving, but thriving, in family gatherings where the people are “mostly accepting” or have “room for improvement.”
Scenario #1: You’re single at the table with your blood-related family.
Your mother asked you to bring a bag of ice because she trusts you so little to bring anything else. You were banned from green bean duty long ago. And when are you going to find a nice woman to bring home to meet the parents? Why do you keep dating those girls with the tattoos and the eyeliner and no bra?
This is where you can either change the subject, if your mom lets you do that, or if your mom has the snap crackling mind of an old-fashioned rat trap, say, “I’m happy with my choices and I like the women I date.”
Then walk out of the kitchen. If there are a lot of family members at the table, goad your sister into spilling cranberry sauce on herself to overshadow your kitchen conversation.
Scenario #2: You’re introducing your bb to your blood-related family for the first time.
You finally have a girlfriend who’s as politically savvy as you. This might be the first time they’ve met your parents in person. If someone changes the subject from “This turkey needs more gravy!” to “We have to give that turkey Donald Trump a chance,” you have to tactfully lay the drumstick down. While passing said gravy, say, “No, we don’t, and we can talk about why.”
If people are still saying stupid crap, throw in how we shouldn’t be celebrating a holiday where we pretend the Pilgrims were nice to Native Americans. Everyone will be so distracted at the grenade you’ve lobbed you can sneak away with your sweetie for pumpkin pie on the porch, letting the table burn behind you like the car Angela Bassett walked away from in “Waiting to Exhale.”
Scenario #3: You’re being hit with seemingly benign LGBTQ verbal shots.
This is a lightening round of how to respond to the following from family members:
“Oh I’m so glad Sally found you! You’re one of those good lesbians!”
You: “Actually, there are no good or bad lesbians. We’re all people, like you and your husband. But I appreciate you saying that.”
“You two look alike!”
You: “So do you and your husband!”
“Who’s the woman in your relationship?”
You: “We both are. That’s the point.”
Scenario #4: You’re meeting your partner’s family for the first time.
Be cool, stay still and maybe they won’t even know you’re there. Being polite has always been a go-to for the nervous first-time parents schmoozer, but it can also bring about an ire from your parents that says: What’s she hiding? Why won’t she say anything at all? That’s why you need to keep it genuine and fun without spilling your guts. Offer to set the table, clear the table, eat the leftovers and ask genuine questions. Make good eye contact to show you’re not afraid, and take that second piece of pie when offered.
There you have it. There’s no need to act like a taxidermy possum at these gatherings. You are still you and should stay true to yourself with the people who remember when you had a tantrum in the middle of a produce aisle. And if you can’t do that, have your own Friendsgiving.
