Quick quiz: Which one are you?
(a) Single and loving it.
(b) Single and lying about loving it.
(c) Single and getting an unhealthy rush from lying about loving it.
(d) Both b and c.
For those that answered d, listen up. I wasn’t always the other half of a power couple, going to power brunches and ordering power mimosas. Before I met my girlfriend I was Bad Joanne, a lothario version of myself who gave up on substantive dating around mid-September. Who decided to get complicated with a tin of caramel popcorn until January. Articles about being single during the holidays usually involve lowering your “shame level” or getting you to attend yuletide-themed singles events. I care for you as a human person, so nix those single-and-loving-it tropes. Here’s a glorious self-care package from Santa.
(1) Change the social media conversation.
About those people flashing their engagement rings in front of a Christmas tree: They are having their moment. Good for them. Have your own moment. Is there a gingerbread person from Nova’s Bakery in Plaza-Midwood you’d like to pose with? Take a selfie. Who knows, you two may fall in love while you nibble on their arm.
(2) Go to Biltmore Estate and take a photo BY YOURSELF:
Couples photos in front of Biltmore Estate say, “Yes, we ran out of ideas too.” If you truly love Biltmore Estate, take a photo with only you in it. Better yet, keep the dessert are-they-or-aren’t-they trend going in your photos. Go to The Well-Bred Bakery & Café in Biltmore Village. People will finally stop talking about your brother’s engagement when they see you embracing a cream puff as big as your head in front of America’s largest home.
(3) Avoid singles events.
Trust me, your window of opportunity to have a holiday boo closed at the end of September. Accept you will not date someone of substance until January. If you are looking for a guaranteed venue to meet someone of no substance at all, go to the EpiCentre.
— Charlotte NC (@CharlotteNOW) December 17, 2015
(4) Seriously, avoid singles events. Did you read #3?
Your friends are going to tell you I’m wrong. But they aren’t the ones who have to put on pants and go to a trivia night that’s not in your living room. Go to a trivia night with a drag queen as your host, like Lana Cane at Petra’s Trivia Tuesday. Yes, I went to a trivia night and met someone I went on to date for five months.
(5) Take yourself on a fancy date.
Do this circuit on a budget: Buy the overpriced Godiva-covered strawberries at SouthPark Mall and eat them while you browse for Nordstrom shoes. Go to Whole Foods to pretend you want to make yourself a meal, then go to Café Monte for their Bottomless Mussels on Mondays.
You should always swipe right for yourself.