Your Carolina Panthers Super Bowl fantasies don’t have to end yet.
If you have a thing for Cam Newton and need something to fill the long months between now and the start of the next football season, you can download “Dabbin’ with Cam: A Cam Newton Erotic Romance” by Caroline Blue. (Probably a pen name. A quick Google search came up empty.)
Here’s a quick synopsis: Caroline works at a bank (I think) in Charlotte and won tickets to go to the Super Bowl in Santa Clara. She gets a little drunk, makes some mistakes, pulls off a miraculous feat, ends up in the locker room with Cam Newton and … yeah. (For a longer, double-entendre-filled synopsis, check out the Amazon description.)
The Kindle book is $.99 and worth every penny. (It’s free if you have KindleUnlimited. Pro tip: You get a free trial of KindleUnlimited when you download the app.)
The ebook comes in at an action-packed 45 pages and has all of the markings of great erotic fan fiction:
– Typos (whole/hole … a lot)
– Unnecessary detail (Caroline’s basset hound is named Louis after Louis C.K. and a Loius Vuitton handbag she’s been eyeing for years)
– So many football double entendres (There’s one series that lasts a page and a half and includes lines like “pound it in the open whole (sic)”)
– Sex (duh)
And the cover is incredible, for so many reasons:
I spent an hour yesterday afternoon reading the book. For journalism. (You’re welcome.) Below are some of my favorite excerpts, with zero context given.
I noticed his friend pointing at my midsection laughing. I looked down. I had forgot (sic) to button my slacks when I left the ladies room.
“Hey, little lady. Head back that way. Cam wants to holler at you for sure.” … I walked back into the locker room and immediately realized what I’ve been missing all these years…and what the female sports reporters hadn’t been missing!
Eight inches to my left. Nine inches to my right. There goes another seven to nine I though (sic). And they aren’t even hard yet!
All I could think about was reaching out and slapping his beautiful behind. His perfectly sculpted, round, firm, smooth as silk behind.
“Come on girl! Dab!” Next thing I knew we were dancing, dabbing, and doing the cat daddy.
I ripped open my blouse like Superman.
My hand continued down to the goal line. Before I even got close I could feel his goal post.
It was a long sustained drive that lasted the fully (sic) fifteen minutes.
“Well, Caroline,” he said. He raised his hands in position and said, “don’t forget to…” as he dabbed.
I dabbed back. We both smiled and out the doorway and into the night I went.
The best part of “Dabbin’ with Cam”? SPOILER ALERT: In this world, the Panthers came back and won the Super Bowl.
Photo: Screenshot of the cover.