People

Can Trumpspeak boost my journalism career?

By Theoden Janes
Donald Trump leaves the courthouse after serving on jury duty in New York, Monday, Aug. 17, 2015. The Republican presidential candidate reported for jury duty in Manhattan on Monday and spent much of the day like everyone else, filling out forms and wondering whether he would get picked. (AP Photo/Seth Wenig)
Donald Trump leaves the courthouse after serving on jury duty in New York, Monday, Aug. 17, 2015. The Republican presidential candidate reported for jury duty in Manhattan on Monday and spent much of the day like everyone else, filling out forms and wondering whether he would get picked. (AP Photo/Seth Wenig) Seth Wenig AP

I don’t know if I could ever vote for Donald Trump, but last week, he gave me the most amazing idea.

It came to me as I scrolled through his Twitter feed, which he has used to turn the race for the GOP presidential nomination into a cross between WWE Monday Night Raw and a ’90s-era East Coast-West Coast hip-hop rivalry.

But sonofagun, it’s working for him.

//><!--So from here on out, I’m going to say whatever pops into my mind, no matter how crazy or petty or silly it sounds. Maybe, just maybe, Trumpspeak can do for my journalism career what it has done for The Donald’s political career.//--><!

I mean, why should I hold back? Some readers certainly don’t. I had this one, he calls me the other day, he says, “I read your last column. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re a disgrace.”

I want to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s not having such a good day. Maybe he’s having a tough time because his wife doesn’t like the fact that he’s a big fat jerk, his kids don’t like him because he’s a complete loser.

So I say, politely, “You, sir, are an idiot. I’ve won many awards – so many I can’t even count – but let’s just say it’s in the neighborhood of five. I went to the best journalism school in Tucson, Arizona. There’s never been a columnist in this town that’s had a quarter of the success that I’ve had, at least not an Asian one who drives a blue Volkswagen.”

He lets out a terrible sound and hangs up, and I just know that there must have been blood coming out of his eyes, blood coming out of his wherever.

My editor walks up and goes, “What was all that about?”

And I can’t tell a lie, it’s just not in me to lie, so I say, “Oh, no big deal. Just another huge, huge Janes fan. The people love me. I could sell T-shirts and by the next day I’d have the number-one-selling T-shirt in Charlotte.”

He mutters something under his breath that I can’t quite understand, but I figure must be very, very complimentary, because I’m pretty much an all-around great guy.

//><!--“Anyway,” my editor says, “I wanted to know what your next column will be about.”//--><!

So I tell him he’s going to love it. In fact, I announce, “You won’t just love it; it’s going to change your life.” I explain: “The local TV news teams, they’re ruining this city. Local TV news teams are the new China. Look, I’m not being racist. I’m the least racist person in the world. And I assume some TV people – not many, just some – are good people. But we’re gonna get a wall built around them, and the TV stations are gonna pay for that wall.”

My editor lets out a terrible sound, and I can see the blood coming out of his eyes, blood coming out of his wherever.

“Do you have anything else?” he asks, and for the first time, I can see him for the complete moron he is.

Luckily, I’m smart. I’m such a massive, unbelievable success in this business because – in addition to being just a phenomenal writer – I am an expert at reading people.

So I switch gears, and I know I’ve got something that can’t miss.

“I have a fantastic idea,” I say, as I run my fingers through my incredible head of hair, “for a piece on Megyn Kelly…”

Photo: AP.

Théoden Janes

theodenjanes

This story was originally published August 19, 2015 at 12:43 AM with the headline "Can Trumpspeak boost my journalism career?."

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