The five people you’re afraid to bump into at your high school reunion

Six days. That’s how long this email has been festering in my inbox. The subject line: “10th Annual Young Alumni Holiday Party – Coming Soon.”

It makes my stomach clench and my palms sweat. Not because I hated high school or the people there. I didn’t. It’s because high school reunions are the zenith of social anxiety. You take too long picking out a shirt that says, “This is me now.” You inevitably find yourself wading through the throng of bodies at a bar, silently screaming the names of the close friends you came with (where the f*** did you guys go?) while clinging to a cheap drink like a life raft.

And you’re afraid of bumping into five people:

(1) The teacher who forgot your name.

We weren’t all something special in high school, and we knew it. Our teachers knew it, too. Good thing you’re at a bar getting sloppy while silently begging people to notice that you drastically improved while you were away. You’ve made it in the world now! You swear.

(2) The Facebook friend you have never spoken to.

You’re strangers but you follow each other on social media so you know more about each other than is natural. Do you dive into a conversation about the 77 photos in the “We’re Engaged!” Facebook album you just stalked?

(3) Your second-grade soulmate.

We all have one. That person you crushed on when everything was innocent and the words “sex,” “money” and “It’s not you, it’s me” were not yet part of our romantic communications. Suddenly you’re stuck third-wheeling a conversation with the soulmate and the soulmate’s significant other and faintly alluding to old memories. You’re pathetic.

(4) The first person you actually dated.

We haven’t communicated in eight years. Will you hate me more if I say, “Hello, how are you?”

(5) The person who is working in the same industry as you. And is doing it better.

Your more successful classmate is name dropping and other people are impressed and you hate yourself for being impressed too. You start to wonder where you got off-track while you were in school and then you start to calculate your fresh five-year plan and then you get off-track thinking maybe you should reconsider what you’re devoting your life to.

Then someone in the throng jostles you and you spill your drink down your shoulder and make unwanted eye contact with the other four people you were trying to avoid up to this moment. You hate the holidays.

Images: Sally Smith, giphy.com

This story was originally published November 30, 2015 at 11:20 PM with the headline "The five people you’re afraid to bump into at your high school reunion."