Life lessons from Dixie Longate, the Tupperware-selling Southern Belle coming to Charlotte this month

Oh, honeys. Dixie Longate’s back in town, and she’s breathless with excitement. She’s got all kinds of advice to impart – and most of it came to her during a recent bender. I tried my best to keep up with her during a phone call last Friday, but the fast-talking belle from Mobile, Alabama does not come up for air – or are, as she’d pronounce it. (So when I say “breathless,” I mean it.)

She’ll be holding forth at the Booth Playhouse at the Blumenthal Performing Arts Center from July 5–24. Her new show is called “Dixie’s Never Wear a Tube Top While Riding a Mechanical Bull and 16 Other Things I Learned While I Was Drinking Last Thursday.”

Holler over to the Blumenthal at 704.372.1000 to get your tickets. Or visit blumenthalarts.org.

The interview has been edited for brevity (and, honestly, also because I couldn’t keep up with the fast-talking Dixie and was laughing too hard to catch everything she said). I’ve tried to transcribe her comments with her Southern accent intact.

Dixie! It’s good to hear your voice again.

Hey there, honey. I’m suh glad to be back in town. 

We’re glad to have you back after your three-week run here last summer. What do you like about Charlotte?

Well, what’s not to like, sugar? Yer downtown’s suh nice, and all the people are suh nice and welcoming. A couple of times, I’ve turned down one y’all’s little alleys and had sex. Accidentally. You know how that can happen? Err’body’s just been suh kind and sweet.

Not everyone, Dixie. Have you heard about a little thing called HB2?

Oh, is that the bathroom thing? Honey, I don’t know why someone would be concerned about where anyone pees. I’ve had to pee in a sink and sometimes even out by where the hogs get slopped. I mean, when you got to go, you got to go, right? Some of my friends have had to go on long road trips and they end up peeing in a cup. Good thing they’s been drinking out of a Big Gulp.

I just think err’body needs to be smiley and neighborly and let people pee where they wanna pee. But some people seem like they just wanna be grumpy and angry.

Yes, some people certainly do. Anyway, how’re your kids? They’re Wynona, Dwayne, and Absorbine, Jr., right?

Well, they still alive, suh that’s a good thing. They’re out of school for the summer suh I gotta try and keep ‘em busy. Little Absorbine, Jr. – he’s my youngest – he’s too young to be in school, so I really gotta work to keep him occupied.

As it turns out, a Toni Home Perm is not a good thing to let a child play with. But he loves it, and it makes him happy, so what are ya gonna do? He smells of it and goes all cross-eyed and then passes out, so I just put a pilla behind him suh he don’t hit his little head.

You sound like a great mom. But you’re also a businesslady. Last time you were in town, you were hosting a big Tupperware party. Are you hawking anything this time?

Honey, my last show was like me at work, ‘cause I’m a Tupperware lady, and I’ll always be a Tupperware lady. But this time, it’s me at play. But err’body likes Tupperware, and I don’t want anyone to be disappointed, so I still sell it. If you want a bowl, Ima git you a bowl.

But this time, it’s me and my life lessons. Ya know how, when you’re drunk, you think you have such good ideas about how to fix the world’s problems and all? ‘Cause the world’s so screwed up. Well, that’s my new show.

My best friend owns a honky tonk, and we’ve just had a big party for her ‘cause she’s gotten married and is headin’ off on her honeymoon. (The Booth stage is set like a honky tonk bar.) And I’m cleanin’ up after the party and sharin’ my advice.

And there’s actually a mechanical bull on stage?

DL: Well, why the hail would there not be, honey? This is a honky tonk. A real one. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?

I never did, Dixie. And now I’m too old for it.

Honey, you’re never too old. You just put yer quarter in, and put it on “low.” I just want everyone to ride the mechanical bull, know what I mean? I want err’one to have fun in life. Some people, though. They jes’ need a jump start.

People who say, “I ain’t got no adventure in my life, Dixie” – those people – they’re the ones I wanna encourage to have an adventure. The people who ain’t havin’ no fun are the ones who’s tellin’ err’body where they can and can’t go make tee-tee.

Is there anybody who shouldn’t come to your show?

DL: Well, parents oughtta leave they kids at home. This is an opportunity for them to get away from they kids. But utter’n that, I think errbody should come and have a good time.

What’s your best piece of advice, Dixie?

First, don’t be stupid.

But also, jes’ be nice to people. Try ‘n’ make people smiley. Always look for sump’n nice to say about somebody. You can always find sump’n nice. Even if I see somebody who looks like they was hit by a Mack truck real hard and rammed into a brick wall, I can at least say, “Yer har looks purdy today.”

Always make somebody feel better about theyselves. When you pay someone a compliment, it comes back to you 17,000 fold.

Photos: John Moore

This story was originally published July 4, 2016 at 10:08 PM with the headline "Life lessons from Dixie Longate, the Tupperware-selling Southern Belle coming to Charlotte this month."