Safety rules for dating and travel

I recently struck up a conversation that eventually led to a few video dates with a new someone. In doing so, I discovered that the dating world had changed a lot since I was last in it, which was a couple of decades ago. Another issue with today’s dating world, however, is traveling to date in real life. My upcoming date lives three hours away, across state borders. Forget the rules: When dating on the road, I needed some serious safety tips to avoid living out an episode of Crime Junkie or a whole season of the Serial podcast.

The last time I went out with anyone, my date asked me to pick a favorite CD and handed me a thick zippered case full of them. He had a CD changer, so I picked two. When I buckled my seatbelt, he took it as a negative commentary on his driving. That was in 1997. Fast forward to 2022, and I’m dating again, but this time, it’s as a middle-aged woman. I found a whole new world: dating apps, direct messages and sexting. In the place of small talk, there was a specific dialogue where two people shared just enough information to meet for a drink and a “hook-up.” Sex is no longer a first-date taboo. Whole relationships are created and destroyed without ever seeing the other person. I needed to figure this stuff out before my first scheduled in-person date.

To do that, I researched online dating safety rules, many of which I found on dating apps themselves. Then I did what any elder millennial would do in my position — I asked some of my colleagues and a friend for advice. I’m a writer, so I spoke to other writers, people who are introverts, who work alone and are usually skeptical of new people. I also enlisted the help of my flight attendant friend as this is about traveling to date. These conversations yielded some interesting tips that centered around timing, location, backup plans and more.

Timing matters

My first bit of advice came from writer and cartoonist, Jules Rivera. She stopped me before we even got down to what I thought were the interesting questions. For example, does hosting etiquette for out-of-town guests still apply? Jules told me that the timing of the date/meet-up is an important factor and should be one of the first considerations. “Time of day matters,” Jules said. “If you are meeting someone in the afternoon, it’s a different vibe than at night. My goal on first dates is usually a daytime coffee date. No pressure, just feeling each other out (not literally),” she said.

For my situation, a date three hours away would have to take some special kind of planning. After a nighttime date, my drive home could easily run past midnight. I needed to do some serious planning before setting out.

Tell a friend about your plans

The advice that I received from everyone was to let someone know your plans. Writers tend to be a private bunch, so this was important and is key to safe long-distance dates. Deadline writer Destiny Jackson uses this policy for platonic meetups with people she has befriended online. Destiny was adamant: “I NEVER meet with a new person without telling someone. Never, never. My friends all know where I’m staying and for how long. I sometimes even tell my Dad.”

The Hinge dating app has a guide in the Help Center part of the app. There, Hinge encourages users to do much the same things that my writer colleagues advised. This includes careful plans that you share with a friend. This means pre-booking your Ubers or airport shuttles. Then, share the driver’s names and contact numbers with said friend. For hotel shuttles, sharing the hotel info is enough. The hotel can contact the drivers using their own system.

Have a Plan B… Not the Pill (but bring that too, though)

Titilayo Akhibe, a flight attendant who often travels to her dates, echoed Kit, Jules and Destiny’s advice. Titilayo encouraged me to stay optimistic, even if the date took a bad turn. “You already took the days off, might as well have a vacation,” she said. She also encouraged me to put myself and my comfort and safety above everything else in this situation. “Your safety is priority. Forget about his feelings,” she said.

I’ll keep her words in mind as I navigate all these apps, video chats and zoom dates going forward. Especially as I plan my upcoming date three hours away with a Portuguese Whovian single dad who reminds me a little of Tommy Lee from Motley Crue. He thinks my blue glasses are cute.

I’ll keep you posted about my progress on social media.

Stay safe out there.

Jonita Davis (jonitadavis.com) is a film critic, writer, and pop culture junkie behind the online publication The Black C.A.P.E. Magazine (theblackcape.com, @theblackcapemag). She is also a freelance writer, a published author, an English professor, and a podcaster. She has a master’s degree in English (Literary Criticism Concentration) from Purdue University and teaches writing at Waubonsee Community College. Her previous works include Michigan City’s Marinas (History Press 2009), Michigan City’s Washington Park (History Press 2011), Questioning Cultural Appropriation (Enslow Publishing 2019), and We Gon Be Black Today (Chicago Review Press, 2023).

This story was originally published September 29, 2022 at 9:00 AM.